Susan's Blog

Friday, May 4, 2007

Love is a Battlefield

You didn’t know it, you didn’t think it could be done
In the final end he won the wars
After losing
Every battle.
–Bob Dylan, Idiot Wind

You know when people say, “…Then the terrorists will have won,” they mean that we should not be stopped by our fears of attack, we should not stay cowering in our homes just because of the new threat of terrorism. We should, instead, live our lives but perhaps with a bit more of a sense of the reality of the preciousness and possible brevity of life.

This phrase ran through my head, uncontrollably, as I returned to my driveway with Nat and Ben in the car, my plan to go to the track in utter shambles. Nat was bellowing/howling/shrieking because I suppose he did not want to go, because I sprung it on him, because it is spring and the lighting is intense and beautiful, because his meds are not quite right, because he wanted to just lie around the house staring into space, because because because because because….

I had just explained that I can’t always give into Nat’s tantrums because then he would never grow in his experiences, and he would learn that this is the way to get out of doing anything he didn’t want to do.

But Nat was screaming his head off and Ben suddenly burst into tears, saying, “Can’t you just give into him? Can’t you just give in?”

If I give in, I am reinforcing that lesson, I thought. The terrorists will have won.

But Ben was crying! How could I place the value of Nat’s lesson learned over Ben’s pain? So I turned around and we went back in the house; I felt like I’d been kicked in the ass. I was seething with my impotence.

I had a small, mean pyrrhic victory, where I insisted that Nat go in slowly and quietly, and made him stop and help me with the laundry. I watched with twisted, ugly satisfaction as he obeyed my orders with shaky deference.

After we folded the laundry together, I told him to go find something to do. I was finished with him. I was still angry, and my heart hurt, too. I asked Ben to come inside my bedroom. I said, “I’m sorry, Ben.”
“Why? Because you let him live?”
I swallowed hard. “Uh, no, because I let him scare you.”
“Oh.”
“You’re probably angry him, at me? At God? At autism?”
Ben nodded.
“So am I.”

We sat there for another moment, and then he said, “Okay then.” And he started talking about Kingdom Hearts, how he was winning, and was even doing better than Max.

Nat is now perfectly calm. I’m going to try again soon, but maybe without Ben in the car. Some wars are too important to lose.

9 comments

Aw, Susan. If I could hug you from way over here I would.

— added by ASDmomNC on Friday, May 4, 2007 at 6:50 pm

Man, we’re living the same life here and I know it’s not fun. Times I just hate myself and the situation. I mean I love the boy like crazy, but sometimes it is just too much. And I don’t know what’s going to be the next new trigger. I feel like Chuck and I are the wardens of the asylum.

— added by Mom on Friday, May 4, 2007 at 7:30 pm

Any old warrior will tell you the most important part of picking your battles is picking the battleground.

— added by bigwhitehat on Saturday, May 5, 2007 at 12:33 am

I have a catering carton of ear plugs in the car as sometimes we HAVE to be somewhere [e.g. school] But of course that doesn’t help the siblings.
I was hoping that things will improve.
Best wishes

— added by Maddy on Saturday, May 5, 2007 at 1:14 pm

Been there. Done that. Don’t let it get you down. You are one of the strongest people that I have never met. 🙂

— added by lizziehoop on Saturday, May 5, 2007 at 3:25 pm

I’m always so impressed with your kids. Ben seems like such a sensitive soul.
You are a pillar of strength and vulnerability, and speak for so many of us who have children with special needs. And you do it so eloquently.
Your kids are so lucky to have such wonderful parents.

— added by Drama Mama on Sunday, May 6, 2007 at 2:07 am

“BECAUSE YOU LET HIM LIVE”?????

Please don’t let that pass without comment. That’s just not okay, no matter who it’s said by.

— added by Ballastexistenz on Sunday, May 6, 2007 at 7:43 am

OF COURSE I did not let that comment pass, come on! These are MY CHILDREN, for God’s sake, but I am having a horrible time understanding my older one and how to help him, and protecting my youngest who also has issues and is often Nat’s target!!!

— added by Susan Senator on Sunday, May 6, 2007 at 7:52 am

BigWhiteHat — You are so right.
Jan — well, at least we know it passes!
Drama Mama — Thank you so much. I don’t usually think of Ben as sensitive, but you are so right, he is! He is angry, and hurting, too. It is my job to soothe that and guide him, a most difficult one.

— added by Susan Senator on Sunday, May 6, 2007 at 12:50 pm

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