Susan Senator
All happy families are not alike...
All happy families are not alike...
In the Thick of It
It’s that little souvenir
of a terrible year
which makes my eyes feel sore.
–The Sundays
This will probably go down in my history as the worst summer in my life. I have been battling my own depression and Nat’s anxiety, as well as dealing with Max’s new teenage attitude of distance. That is not to say that every single day has been bad, not at all; but I have never felt so discouraged for such a long time. I am discouraged about how to help and reach Nat and I am discouraged by my own inability to remain positive and avoid self-destructive behavior. The worse things get, the more worn out I get, and then I am less able to do what I need to do for anyone.
And yet I see that there has been an improvement in Nat. The pre-warn is a very good thing for him, by which I mean a simple reminder of the salient points for the following day. He was happy this morning. Ben, however, has just about had it with him and has been yelling back at him when he starts to obsess. Ben feels like Nat pushes him around. There is alot to balance here; Ben is not allowed to be rude but he certainly can feel however he feels about his brother. So I talked to him for a while last night in the privacy of his room to get a sense of how he’s doing. I tried to point out Nat’s good qualities but Ben does not want to appreciate Nat these days. Still, I think it’s important to remind him of Nat’s overall sweetness, helpfulness, and progress. I have to hope that this helps somehow.
I check in on Max however much he allows. He is building a computer for Ben (it is a surprise) and I am so blown away by this. I am so glad that he is kindhearted and wise. Even though he has his flaws (he is very sedentary and technology-oriented) he is a delight. I love the way he loves Ben. The two of them fit together like a puzzle. I wish they could include Nat more, and I am trying to come up with more things they all three can do together or have in common. Ben’s therapist suggested even going around the dinner table once and telling a joke (or trying). I don’t know. I don’t want Ben to become even more exasperated with Nat. Maybe we can vary it, and each person do their favorite stim, instead. Mine would be either twirling my hair or clicking “get mail” on Precious. Nat’s is probably squeezing words into different shapes and creating a rhythm out of them. Max’s is maybe rolling his dreadlocks; Ben’s got a funny little throat-clearing cough. Ned’s favorite stim? Humming and tapping. It’s my clue that he’s feeling happy.
I have a feeling that when this period in my life is over I am going to have learned a lot. But right now, I’m in the middle of it and just holding on.
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Maybe everyone could do with a little pre-warn. Ben can’t be blamed for wanting to clear out if Nat’s obsessing, but he shouldn’t be primed to jump all over Nat for just being Nat. The vacation should give everybody a nice breather.
Stretch, dance, breathe. Whenever I’d call my mom at work to complain that my brother has given me a wedgie (quasi-atomic) or an indian burn, she’d remind me of how much she’d always wanted a big brother, and how lucky I was to have one. I’d grudgingly agree, but I am glad to report that Scott did get in trouble for farting on my head.
I’ll bet that as Ben grows up, Nat will start looking at him in awe, like he does Max. Nat probably has a hard time recogizing how much his baby brother is growing and maturing.
Even though he has his flaws (he is very sedentary and technology-oriented)
Since when are those flaws?
Thanks, Lisa! How was that vacation you took?
Anon: Nice empathy. Let me explain: being sedentary is not a healthy way to live.
You are preaching to the choir, at least my choir. I have been there, done that literally. When I read your post, there was a deja vu reminiscence of the good and bad times. Come to think of it, that was the title of our dinner conversations: GOOD THING BAD THING. Everyone at the table was required to report on their day. All four kids related stuff, big stuff, small stuff, just stuff. Mom and Dad had to participate as well. Boy did we learn a lot….and it took the onus off one person. Autism took a back seat at those meals.
Hi Susan –
I read your book a few months after my son’s Dx and have read your blog (off and on) ever since I gained an interest in the Autism Hub (I’m a Hub blogger too).
I’ve not commented here before, but after reading this post I just wanted to say:
Hang in there. Sometimes life is good, sometimes not so much. There’s no telling how long the good or bad lasts. You seem to do a marvelous job of keeping a positive attitude, despite being surrounded by unintentionally obnoxious men like myself. So, keep it up, and I wish you the best. Things will look up soon (unless, of course, they get worse, which is not likely but certainly possible 🙂 )
Vacation is so neccesary, I don’t understand people who don’t take them. I NEED those days to recharge. Jared had one understandable, but still not excusable meltdown, but that was it. This particular vacation was great because:
1) We ate ice cream almost every day. Ice cream melts too quickly in New Orleans, and Salvatore’s in South Dartmouth has REAL pistachios in their pistachio ice cream. You can’t beat it.
2) I had two days of alone time with my mom. We laugh and laugh. When the boys arrived there were live lobsters and my mothers 6′ long carved Chinese dragon on the porch. I love it that my kids think my mom is cool.
3) We swam in the ocean – what a luxury. Jared LOVES swimming in the ocean. Thomas has requested that rockets be added to his floaties.
4) My husband had a very well received show of his paintings. Check out Gallery X in New Bedford this (or any) month. It’s supposed to be reviewed in the Boston Globe and the Providence Journal, but we’ll see.
5) I caught a cold. Congestion forced me to rest instead of going out. I can’t always trust myself to be mature.
6) All of us had a blast, and I can’t wait till they get home tonight.
Don’t be too hard on yourself for not being able to reach out to Nat all of the time. You’re doing a great job. Hope you’re feeling better now. And Ben too. I guess it’s tough for him to be nice and polite to Nat when he feels he’s being unfairly treated by big brother.
Dearest Susan:
If this is the worst summer of life, the other summers must have been pretty good. I’m happy for you, even if you are not happy for yourself.
Since I only know you through your blog (and no, I don’t think that somebody can know another merely through their blog), your summer has been filled with more happy memories than difficult times.
Belly dancing, happiness with the family on the Cape, visiting with your sister, parties with lots of kids, and a new book in the development stages …
I don’t know. Perhaps the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. From a distant observer’s point of view, I think you’re having a wonderful summer that you’ll never forget.
Not to induce a bitching session, but my summer has been nothing but work, some more work, and then a little bit of work. No vacatoin. Very little time with the kids. Family difficulties.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I read a lot of extremely good things in your blog. If you look at it quantitatively, you’re far ahead of the dealer. Then again, you share with the world what you choose to share.
Focus on the sunshine and not the rain. You’re blessed in so many ways that it’s mind-boggling.
Cheers,
Don