Susan Senator

Working on respite time with Ned. It's been a few years since we went anywhere away from the boys overnight. These days, we have to pay for respite and it is tough to find people. I am trying to get the young woman who was Nat's aide at camp this summer. I want three nights at least. I am feeling so in need of escape, that I have even had some rough times with Ned, and that's rare.

The mornings yesterday and today were hellish, because neighbors' lights are all off kilter, at least in Nat's mind. I had to call another neighbor today and ask her to turn an outdoor light off. She was happy to, but I wont' always be so lucky. Plus, Nat insisted on wearing shorts today -- with snow on the ground -- and I gave in. I warned him, "Tomorrow, pants."

Yesterday he smacked Ben on the head in all of his anxiety. He also bit his own arm, and I forgot to tell the teacher so she wrote up an incident report. Ben was so mad at Nat, he was spitting nails. I couldn't blame him. I felt so horrible for him, for both of them; but especially Ben. Sometimes it feels like Ben has no peace anywhere. School is hard, home is hard. I don't want to hear about how kids are resilient. I'm not so sure. I am so concerned about his happiness.

This feeling led me, strangely, to the Apple Store, where I impulsively splurged on a gift for Max, who also seems to deal with a lot of tough stuff on his own. He is such a darling. He always lets Nat come in and lie on his bed and sillytalk while he is doing homework. He never complains about Nat using/abusing his pillow; he just quietly tells me and asks for a new one or a clean pillowcase.

So with my heart soaked in sadness and love, I bought Max an iPod Touch, a very cool piece of technology. And the saleswoman asked me if I wanted to get my other son (whom I'd mentioned) his own Nano. I knew B would hate that; he hates music. But suddenly I felt like I just had to find something really, really great for Ben. I had to, I just had to get Ben exactly what he wanted for Chanukah. No matter what it cost. Why would I get expensive trifles for Max, and anything at all Nat wants, and not get Ben a Wii? What the hell is that all about? Afraid he is spoiled? But he is not; he is troubled. And if I can buy him a little peace of mind, it is well worth braving the prices on Amazon.com.

I went on line and found one. Oh, they're there, if you want to pay through the _ _ _. I checked with Ned if he minded the price. He was surprised at first, but actually he saw how I felt and agreed. I bought it and felt really, really good, albeit also like a jackass. Hee Haw. What's money for, if we can't try to buy a little peace, love and understanding once in a while?