{"id":1205,"date":"2006-10-24T08:37:00","date_gmt":"2006-10-24T08:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog2\/2006\/10\/opening-the-refrigerator\/"},"modified":"2006-10-24T08:37:00","modified_gmt":"2006-10-24T08:37:00","slug":"opening-the-refrigerator","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/2006\/10\/opening-the-refrigerator\/","title":{"rendered":"Opening the Refrigerator"},"content":{"rendered":"

What if there were some truth in Bettelheim’s theory of the “refrigerator parent?”<\/a><\/p>\n

I do not mean to stir up a hornet’s nest, but I am an honest person, so I have to unknot these thoughts that occurred to me the other day. I was talking to a friend — well, not really a friend, but someone I have known for years but never connected with as a friend, though I tried — who has a son close to Nat’s age, a boy very committed to his ASD. I had not seen this friend(ish) in a while, and this time, as I hung out with her and experienced her ways, I was struck by a certainty that she must be on the spectrum. I felt this way because the way she has always come off to me is as cold, superrational, distant, stiff and awkward. (Please do not think that I am saying that all people on the spectrum exhibit these traits<\/span>; I am commenting on the way her particular social skill set struck me, in an ASD light.) For years I thought that her treatment of me was something about me<\/span>, that she despised me because of me. (That is where I have traditionally gone when I come across someone who does not appear to warm up to me; I assume they do not like me and that it is because of something intrinsically flawed within me. I have been from time-to-time, a classic low-self-esteem type who goes around believing, deep down, that I am flawed and that sooner or later others will detect it and move on, repulsed. These destructive thoughts have improved within me over the years and for the most part I think I have healed. Increasingly I have the wisdom to realize that what I am feeling when I come into contact with such a person is their own shit, rather than their detection of mine. Also, I have to deal with the fact that not everybody likes me, isn’t that right, Nasty Anonymous Commenter Whom I Delete?)<\/p>\n

Anyway, all of this came across to me in a moment of great clarity, as I observed her treat everyone else in our little circle that had gathered after that evening’s presentation, with the same strange, condescending, sometimes insensitive, unpleasant manner, while at the same time realizing that she was trying really hard to socialize with us! I understood, finally, that the way I feel around her is not about me<\/span>, or anyone esle there, but is truly and discretely about her. I had a flash in my head that said, “maybe she’s got Asperger’s.” And why not? Her son is very autistic; autism is largely genetic. (Buzz, buzz go the hornets. I’m going to duck and take cover after having said that!)<\/p>\n

If you connect the dots, you begin to see what it is that Bettelheim might have been seeing. Rather than cold, unloving, rejecting parents, wasn’t it possible that he was observing the behavior of parents who were on the spectrum, albeit in a different location from their autistic children? How often do we hear about autistic children being born to “very intelligent” or “engineer-type” of parents? And then don’t we also often say that “engineer types” are on the spectrum? (Ned’s mother used to say, “just give Ned two pencils and he’ll be happy for hours.” I’m just saying!) The problem with Bettelheim’s conclusion is that he posited that the parents had rejected their children<\/span>, the same way that I had once concluded that this friend(ish) of mine had rejected me<\/span>. Bettelheim’s error was in concluding that the cold-appearing parents did not love their children. <\/span> He appeared to have judged them as being flawed, cold people, when they were probably simply differently wired people who do not exhibit neurotypical modes of parenting. But if you start with the assumption that autism is just a different way of being, rather than a tragedy or a disease, then there is no problem with assuming that the parent may have it, too, and is not actually rejecting his own child but is actually behaving in a manner that comes more naturally to him. In fact, the parent’s ASD may make it easier for the parent to understand and connect with the ASD child, depending on how self-aware the parent is. Who knows?<\/p>\n

This friend(ish) of mine loves her son and has done a tremendous amount for him. I can see through her awkward manner. (Just like I can see through Nat’s difficult behavior and understand that he loves us and wants to connect but is a bit stymied as to how to show it in a way that we appreciate. See page 195, MPWA<\/a>) I remember her trials with his diet, medication, inclusion in the public schools, the joy of finding a good program, and then the heartbreaking decision of residential living. It appears that he has benefited very little from most of her efforts. For now. Or has he? Who knows, except him? How much worse might things have been for him had she not given what she did? Or would he have been different if he had been born to a mushy, messy NT(ish) mother like me? What would Nat say? (“Okay, yes.”)<\/p>\n

I do not have the answers, just the questions. Maybe ASD children are often born to ASD parents, albeit undiagnosed ones. Not that there’s anything wrong with it!<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What if there were some truth in Bettelheim’s theory of the “refrigerator parent?” I do not mean to stir up a hornet’s nest, but I am an honest person, so I have to unknot these thoughts that occurred to me the other day. I was talking to a friend — well, not really a friend, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1205","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pSTth-jr","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1205","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1205"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1205\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1205"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1205"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1205"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}