{"id":1267,"date":"2006-09-07T09:46:00","date_gmt":"2006-09-07T09:46:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog2\/2006\/09\/sliding-down\/"},"modified":"2006-09-07T09:46:00","modified_gmt":"2006-09-07T09:46:00","slug":"sliding-down","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/2006\/09\/sliding-down\/","title":{"rendered":"Sliding Down"},"content":{"rendered":"

The downward slide begins.<\/p>\n

A terrible day. I lacerate myself with stupid actions. Why am I so self-destructive? Goodbye to the boys, they go back to school. My heart is so heavy. I miss them, and I should be happy. I just want to lay down and cry. Max — another passage. Another milestone. Max is my trailblazer, even though he is the second-born. Walking to high school, trying to be brave. His voice seems different, his laugh seems different. Nat’s life, on the other hand, continues in a loop of sameness, of Disney sing-alongs and behavioral charts, ice cream when he gets home. How do I measure his progress, when there is regression right alongside? Ben, a straight brown arrow shot into third grade. Same teacher, but a new friend already.<\/p>\n

The sky was dark when I woke up, though it was nearly six. I drank coffee that was too sweet, laced with false sugar. Lead in my stomach. I look ahead and struggle to find what’s good. I continue to waver. Moth to flame. Do I have the strength to do the right thing? What is the right thing? What my tautly-wired head tells me or what my red, bloody, fat heart tells me? Both are simply organs within the same flawed body.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The downward slide begins. A terrible day. I lacerate myself with stupid actions. Why am I so self-destructive? Goodbye to the boys, they go back to school. My heart is so heavy. I miss them, and I should be happy. I just want to lay down and cry. Max — another passage. Another milestone. Max […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1267","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pSTth-kr","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1267","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1267"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1267\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1267"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1267"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1267"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}