I feel sad about Natty today. I had heard from his teacher that he had three outbursts before noon at school. He kept yelling about “going home.” The theory was that he was confused as to whether he was going home or not.<\/p>\n
I’m not so sure. I think Nat knows exactly where he’s going to be when. But he knows that he is not coming home next Friday, because we’ll be in France — and he won’t. I don’t think he cares about France; to be honest, I don’t think he knows what France is. But I do know that he loves to travel, and he knows he is not coming with us. We made the decision months ago. I don’t want to go into it.<\/p>\n
I cried today, and Ned pulled me onto his lap. I said, “I wish it wasn’t this way.” Ned said, “Oh, Susie.”<\/p>\n
I was crying right in front of Max and Ben. Not good. Do they know that I feel like that sometimes? How does that make them feel? Do they wish they could make me happy? Ben springs to help me and make it better whenever he senses my sadness. I didn’t want that for my kids! I didn’t want them to be burdened by my depression.<\/p>\n
Nat walks around like a ghost on this visit. No smiles, lots of thumb-sucking. We took a walk to Emack and Bolio’s for some ice cream. He scarfed it, as usual. It was cake batter, one of my favorites. I had chocolate non-fat frozen yogurt. Everytime I asked him if he wanted to do something, he’d say, “No do ___!” Not even with an exclamation point. Total indifference. I felt like a nagging mother. I suppose that should make me happy, because that is “age appropriate.” Yay.<\/p>\n
He didn’t want to hang out with us, but that’s normal. He walked around, room to room, until I said, “Do you want to go to bed?” He said, “Yes” right away. Okay, maybe he’s tired.<\/p>\n
Why is coming home such a huge deal to him that he has outbursts, and then when he is here, he doesn’t know what to do with himself? Does home not feel quite like home anymore? Or was he always like this?<\/p>\n
Sometimes I feel like I don’t make a difference to him. I want to make a difference. I want to know. I just want to know.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I feel sad about Natty today. I had heard from his teacher that he had three outbursts before noon at school. He kept yelling about “going home.” The theory was that he was confused as to whether he was going home or not. I’m not so sure. I think Nat knows exactly where he’s going […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-150","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sSTth-hungry","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=150"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}