And Nat turns around, and his eyes look like a hunted deer’s.\u00a0 He has big buck teeth, and he is holding his hands out, with his fingers splayed, as if he’s in pain.\u00a0 “Fanks A Yot,” he replies, and he thrusts his fingers from both hands into his mouth.\u00a0 I continue filming him, and he says, “One-two-free, go!”\u00a0 which was his way of telling me to finish filming and leave him alone.\u00a0 I can hear myself giggle behind the camera because he is so clear in how he doesn’t want me there, and so cute. “Okay, Sweetheart,” and the camera shuts off.<\/p>\n
Tonight Ned referred, laughingly, to “Fanks.”\u00a0 I laughed, too, but then I also remembered Nat’s wild, haunted look back then.\u00a0 Suddenly it was like I was there, seeing him like that, but out of my current eyes.\u00a0 He was so stressed out, I could really feel it now.\u00a0 But I also remembered how I felt then, with such a tenuous hold on Nat.\u00a0 Back then he was beginning to be aggressive with us, and certainly withdrawn.\u00a0 His fingers were often splayed but also crossing each other.\u00a0 A picture of discomfort.<\/p>\n
Back then I was so concerned with controlling him.\u00a0 I was so scared of him, so scared for us.\u00a0 Where was it all going?\u00a0 What was he going to turn into?\u00a0 He was already kind of wild.\u00a0 Feral, with those teeth and eyes.\u00a0 So alone, snarling in the corner.\u00a0 And all I could think back then was, “Make it stop.”\u00a0 I was in pain, too, because my family felt so defective.\u00a0 We were falling apart, it felt like.\u00a0 I had this new baby, but I couldn’t provide him with a safe, secure family.\u00a0 And my Maxie was already learning to be careful, so careful.\u00a0 I just needed all the bad to stop.<\/p>\n
I wish I could have done a better job, better than damage control.\u00a0 I wish I wasn’t just maintaining, staying afloat, only finding tiny moments of pleasure behind the camera, filming him but not helping him.<\/p>\n
I don’t think I ever thought, “Oh, Natty, come here, sit down with me” the way I would now.\u00a0 I had no idea I could talk to him that way.\u00a0 But maybe back then I couldn’t.\u00a0 Maybe he and I have both grown up and changed.\u00a0 He doesn’t get that wild look anymore.\u00a0 He doesn’t splay his fingers, he just walks faster and talks it through to himself.His eyes now are rich blue, always, and they are opened out to the world, to me.\u00a0 He sees us.\u00a0 He notices things.<\/p>\n
How did he get to this point?\u00a0 How did he shift from being so scared and bitey, to this capable young man?\u00a0 Was it a slow evolution, tiny milliseconds of progress undetected by the human eye, or sudden jumps, moments of flashing revelation?\u00a0 I guess it was both.\u00a0\u00a0 Fits and starts, periods of pain, followed by the joy of relief.<\/p>\n
And now he’s gone, living in the school residence.\u00a0 This was not a Home weekend, so I haven’t seen him since Sunday.\u00a0 I still worry that he’s not happy, stressed-out by unknown forces.\u00a0 But I have no real reason to believe that.\u00a0 He has a lot to do there, both fun and productive things.\u00a0 They went into Cambridge today, a bunch of them from the House.\u00a0 He didn’t call tonight, and I miss him.<\/p>\n
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