{"id":205,"date":"2009-04-30T16:29:00","date_gmt":"2009-04-30T16:29:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog2\/2009\/04\/looking-to-the-sky-for-answers\/"},"modified":"2009-04-30T16:29:00","modified_gmt":"2009-04-30T16:29:00","slug":"looking-to-the-sky-for-answers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/2009\/04\/looking-to-the-sky-for-answers\/","title":{"rendered":"Looking to the Sky For Answers"},"content":{"rendered":"

I don’t blog as much as I did since Nat’s moved out. Half of that is because I have gotten used to his not being here, and so my mind runs on different tracks. But then the other half is that when my mind collides with thoughts of him, it grows cloudy and unsettled, like the sky before an August thunderstorm. Winds of doubt blow around, causing my pain to rustle and drop to the ground. It all just lies there, unresolvable. I can tell you, I tell everyone, that this was the right thing to do, that he’s doing great, that he transitioned amazingly well, didn’t look back.<\/p>\n

I just worry about what I don’t know, what I imagine. If he misses me, what then is his thought process? Does he think, “I want Mommy,” but then, where does it go? How does he explain this to himself? Did the missing-me subside into a gentle but persistent ache? <\/p>\n

I just don’t know how well he understands things, and he can be so passive. Most of the time he is passive and gentle. He has “outbursts” when things go impossibly wrong for him, but so do we all. I just know how to modulate mine better, and I know to fake things so that others don’t worry or get alarmed. <\/p>\n

I saw an article in People Mag<\/span> today, about Sky Walker<\/a>, who faces murder charges. And all his killed mother ever said about him was how he was her life, her heart. Sky had an outburst that just escalated. I have seen Nat like that. I have felt things that strongly myself, where once I lost control, there was nothing else to lose, so I would just keep spiraling downward. I know that Nat has felt like that. I have seen him cover his face after an outburst. What else could that be, other than shame?<\/p>\n

Why is it that I can believe he experiences and understands emotions like shame and remorse, but that I can’t believe that he understands why he has moved out? <\/p>\n

I don’t write about this too much because it’s so big and amorphous and irresolvable.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I don’t blog as much as I did since Nat’s moved out. Half of that is because I have gotten used to his not being here, and so my mind runs on different tracks. But then the other half is that when my mind collides with thoughts of him, it grows cloudy and unsettled, like […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-205","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pSTth-3j","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/205","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=205"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/205\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=205"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=205"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=205"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}