{"id":2285,"date":"2011-12-28T07:39:05","date_gmt":"2011-12-28T12:39:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/?p=2285"},"modified":"2011-12-28T07:39:05","modified_gmt":"2011-12-28T12:39:05","slug":"washington-post-tiger-mother-oped","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/2011\/12\/washington-post-tiger-mother-oped\/","title":{"rendered":"Washington Post: Tiger Mother Oped"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Washington Post<\/em> ran this oped of mine on Christmas Day:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tiger Mother to an autistic son<\/h1>\n
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By Susan Senator, Published: December\u00a023<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n
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Susan Senator is a writer in Massachusetts and the author of \u201cThe Autism Mom\u2019s Survival Guide<\/a>\u201d and \u201cMaking Peace With Autism<\/a>.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

I\u2019m tired of being called brave. But being the mom of a deeply autistic young man of 22, I can\u2019t avoid it. Because I survived. Ever since Nat\u2019s birth, in the Autism Stone Age of 1989, I have had to be a Saber-Toothed Tiger Mother \u2014 or at least pretend to be one. From finding the right doctors to getting my town to do right by him, to also doing right by my other two sons, I have always had to be strong \u2014 or feign strength. What to expect when you\u2019re not expecting autism? No one has real answers. They didn\u2019t then, and they don\u2019t now. It has always been up to my husband and me.<\/p>\n

I never thought that figuring out autistic adulthood would be the same way. Now that Nat has finished school, I feel like I am right where I started, the diagnosis days: grieving, confused, panicked. I\u2019m sad because I miss the comfort and safety of the old routines.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<\/div>\n

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I miss the school-day structure and the knowledge that Nat had caring, qualified people teaching him things. Even when Nat moved out at 17 and into his school residence, I felt like we had a routine, and a lifeline, in the school professionals. Anchored by the federal mandate of special education, staffers were required to be responsible for Nat\u2019s growth, and they were. But it isn\u2019t even that in\u00adcred\u00adible system that made the school years so great. Teachers don\u2019t work with autistic children if they\u2019re concerned about all the regulations and paperwork; they go into teaching guys like Nat because they are game for the challenge, they think on their feet and, most of all, because they are special.<\/p>\n

Those teachers who worked with Nat through the withdrawn, too-quiet years to the scary-tantrum phases \u2014 they are the heroes. Still, I am told that I am special because I am Nat\u2019s mom. As though I am a saint, somehow chosen. But I\u2019m not. I\u2019m just a mother trying to raise my son to be the best he can be.<\/p>\n

The other thing I hear a lot is that Nat is an angel, closer to God than others, here to teach me something. No, he\u2019s not. He is just a complex young man. He\u2019s not a spiritual messenger or a puzzle. The adult-services system, or perhaps the lack thereof, is the puzzle.<\/p>\n

Helping Nat have a decent adult life is our family\u2019s greatest challenge \u2014 not Nat himself. We want him to have a life with something to do: a job, volunteer work; a place to live safely, cared for; days with a rewarding rhythm. These are things I\u2019ve been working on since he was a teenager \u2014 along with his school. Those teachers had Nat working at Meals on Wheels by 14 and at Papa Gino\u2019s by 19.<\/p>\n

Now Nat is transitioning to adulthood, He is finished with public education services, and he begins navigating the far more complex adult-services system. I\u2019ve done everything \u201cthey\u201d tell you to do. I attended workshops, seminars and conferences. I pushed to get Nat funding and to qualify for whatever programs might help him live as independently as possible. I know I can\u2019t afford a staff person myself, nor will I live forever.<\/p>\n

I did my homework. I visited an adult group home before Nat graduated and did not like what I found. Care was adequate but lifeless. Some of my friends\u2019 children had it even worse: from regularly missed appointments to soiled, unchanged underwear. We\u2019ve all learned that adulthood can be abysmal for kids like ours. And yet without the programs we\u2019ve got \u2014 troubled though they may be \u2014 we have practically nothing. I cannot fathom what would happen to all of us without programs such as Medicaid and the other gossamer-thin safety nets.<\/p>\n

It dawned on me recently that I am going to have to do more than act tough and tireless: that I have to become what they say I am. Because I have to face the fact that no matter how hard I push, we still may not end up with a good situation for Nat. If only there were a waiting list for a stable adulthood experience like those to get into the good autism schools. I know how to be on those.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve tried for the past year to put together my vision for Nat: a group home of my own, with like-minded families and staff that we help choose. And every time I get close to succeeding, some piece or another does not fall into place. You can\u2019t get funding until you have a group. You can\u2019t get the group together until you have a house. You can\u2019t get the house until you have the funding.<\/p>\n

And so, on top of all the emotional upheaval, Nat\u2019s turning 22 is a Catch-22. Funding is scarce, and the programs can be iffy because of it. As always, there is no one to ask; every expert and professional has a different story. In the end, I\u2019m figuring it out as I go, only now I am no longer a young mother.<\/p>\n

I am, however, still Nat\u2019s mother. So I suppose I will continue to roar.<\/p>\n<\/article>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Washington Post ran this oped of mine on Christmas Day:   Tiger Mother to an autistic son By Susan Senator, Published: December\u00a023 Susan Senator is a writer in Massachusetts and the author of \u201cThe Autism Mom\u2019s Survival Guide\u201d and \u201cMaking Peace With Autism.\u201d I\u2019m tired of being called brave. But being the mom of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2285","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pSTth-AR","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2285","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2285"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2285\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2286,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2285\/revisions\/2286"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2285"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2285"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2285"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}