{"id":3830,"date":"2014-07-11T20:23:47","date_gmt":"2014-07-12T00:23:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/?p=3830"},"modified":"2014-07-11T20:23:47","modified_gmt":"2014-07-12T00:23:47","slug":"loving-nat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/2014\/07\/loving-nat\/","title":{"rendered":"Loving Nat"},"content":{"rendered":"

Loving Nat — The Jewish Advocate<\/em>, July 11, 2014<\/p>\n

My day suddenly became very dark when I got the call: \u201cNat\u2019s had an incident.\u201d<\/p>\n

This happened when he was at his most anxious, and we did not know why. He was biting himself. Yelling, stomping. He\u2019d punched a wall, apparently. He had to leave the store he was in. No, Nat, no! I moaned in my head. Not after all your hard work.<\/p>\n

Nat is 24 and has autism, alleged developmental delay, possible sensory issues, suspected processing disorders, really a whole smorgasbord of challenges and disabilities. He also has a keen eye for detail, an open mind, and he\u2019s very, very beautiful. That\u2019s neither here nor there, but I mention it because I hate giving a whole dirty laundry list of his troubles and casting him in that light, when truly, Nat shines in a light all his own. Autism has been called a kidnapper, a scourge, a monster-creator. But the real truth about it \u2013 the worst thing about autism \u2013 is that it casts a very long shadow. People see it, and not the person.<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s something interesting: Shadow isn\u2019t a bad thing. Shadow just is. It exists because of light. Shadow and light together help us see something. But when Nat\u2019s behavior is inexplicable and aggressive, I feel like he disappears inside the shadow and I can\u2019t see him. I forget that shadow is a part of everything. Light needs dark. Yin and yang. Chiaroscuro.<\/p>\n

For the first time in a long while, I prayed. My way of praying is not in Hebrew. I kind of just talk to G-d. I try to connect with Him, just like I do with Nat. I think of G-d as a person who knows so much, but I don\u2019t know what he knows. Perhaps G-d has His own brand of autism: He\u2019s all there, but it takes a lot to feel that you are communicating effectively. And also, I feel love for G-d, without question. It just is, like my love for my children.<\/p>\n

I did what I could in my fashion of praying for Nat to come out of this dark moment. I talked until I felt done. Then real life took over again, as we got a phone call after phone call from Nat\u2019s group home manager, into the night, to let us know that Nat was not himself, that he was getting out of bed, obsessing about other people\u2019s routines. We all slept badly.<\/p>\n

Morning came, and so did another call. The word was, Nat was not \u201cstable enough\u201d to go to his day program. This had never happened before, in two years. What was it, Nat? Please, don\u2019t go back to those days when you were 17 and biting, jumping, screaming! I didn\u2019t even know what it was about then.<\/p>\n

But I heard from the autism community a long time ago that we need to check these \u201cbehaviors\u201d out. We should always get our children examined when they \u201cact out\u201d and be absolutely sure they are not sick. Thank goodness others know that, even if I cower under the covers and shudder with the thought, \u201cIt\u2019s baaaack.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here and there we\u2019d been hearing from the house manager and also maybe it was the day-hab director that they had asked Nat if he was feeling sick he\u2019d said, \u201cfroat.\u201d I was skeptical; whenever Nat is asked about his health, he just seems to say what he thinks you want to hear. I always tell medical professionals that he is unreliable that way, inaccurate. Still, I take him \u2013 of course I do.<\/p>\n

The house manager told us this morning that he was taking Nat to the doctor, and did I want to come? Did I want to come! Within a few minutes, I had taken over. First we\u2019d take Nat out for a treat \u2013 to Starbucks \u2013 and then to the doctor. We got to Starbucks and sat on one of those bench tables, right near two women who were deep in conversation. Nat chewed his chocolate-chocolate cookie and I sipped my creamy drink. Ned had a smoothie.<\/p>\n

Nat seemed strangely calm. He wanted to see the doctor \u2013 that was clear. His spirit seemed soft once more. I hoped that the crisis might be over, that it was an aberration, all because he was sick. Later on we would learn that he did indeed have strep throat. Good for you, Nat, for telling us all. I will never doubt him again. He had been getting sick, and he\u2019d been very uncomfortable, and he had acted it. His behavior was perfectly natural, given the circumstances.<\/p>\n

But even before the affirmation from the positive strep test, I knew that \u201c it\u201d wasn\u2019t back.He was back.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d never gone. He\u2019d just retreated into the shadows while he was sick, like we all do.<\/p>\n

Looking down at his cookie, he put his hand through his hair and ruffled it. I absentmindedly reached out and straightened it. The woman next to me suddenly said, \u201cHe\u2019s got great hair.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, thanks,\u201d I said. I often say \u201cthank you\u201d for Nat. I looked at Nat. His hair, thick, soft and golden like a chick\u2019s feathers.<\/p>\n

\u201cReally, he\u2019s beautiful,\u201d the woman said. \u201cHe\u2019s lucky to have been born that way,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

And as I sat there, basking in my son\u2019s light, I kind of felt like, yeah, it is definitely worth it, trying to connect with someone you love \u2013 whether it is your child, or even G-d.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Loving Nat — The Jewish Advocate, July 11, 2014 My day suddenly became very dark when I got the call: \u201cNat\u2019s had an incident.\u201d This happened when he was at his most anxious, and we did not know why. He was biting himself. Yelling, stomping. He\u2019d punched a wall, apparently. He had to leave the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3830","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pSTth-ZM","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3830","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3830"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3830\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3831,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3830\/revisions\/3831"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3830"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3830"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3830"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}