Horrible, crying-all-day kind of day.<\/p>\n
I missed my glorious bellydance class tonight, for the second week in a row. Black Wednesday descended on me early this morning. I had a feeling, after I came back from making the school newsletter, of big, bright emptiness opening up before me and I could tell I was going to fall in. I did my best to keep my head up, keep going. Try. Be High Functioning. I called a friend, made a coffee date, which I later blew off. I went to the gym. I heard from other friends on email, but I wasn’t my best with them. I ate a good breakfast. But then I ate more, way too much. Nothing felt right. My day was going to be a big, wrenching, unstoppable yawn. <\/p>\n
There are some days that are like that. But I always forget that they are just days. To me, they feel like they are now the reality, forever, and then I feel even worse.<\/p>\n
I kept thinking, Go to class, it will help.<\/span> But every time I thought of how we were going to be learning more of that same choreography, for the recital, I felt my energy sink down. I felt I could not face it. I didn’t want to be in the recital. I just can’t seem to be in them. And then I feel even worse.<\/p>\n So I lay down for a while, and thought, You loser. You are napping your life away.<\/span> And I tried to get up and then I noticed kids all over my yard. Plus a dog. This made me angry. Like I was being walked on, rather than my yard. But then I thought, You are acting like an old lady. It is nice that this neighborhood has come alive.<\/span> Still, I felt anxious at the tableau before me, realizing that it was spring and I didn’t feel ready. I wasn’t ready for the noise, the warmth, the soft ground, the boys. <\/p>\n I did the token board with Nat, because I thought, Just because I’m having a bad day, why should he go without?<\/span> So he helped me with the dishwasher, and I think that was my high point.<\/p>\n I cried a bit, wondering why I felt so hopeless in the face of so many nice things. I called Ned. He was coming home early, which was good. But I knew he was coming home early so that I could go to my class, which I was not going to. <\/p>\n Is it okay that I don’t want to share my lawn sometimes? Or work towards a recital? Is it okay if I ate ice cream for lunch to feel better? Is it okay that Ned came home early for no reason? Is it okay that I take my loved ones on emotional roller coaster rides?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Horrible, crying-all-day kind of day. I missed my glorious bellydance class tonight, for the second week in a row. Black Wednesday descended on me early this morning. I had a feeling, after I came back from making the school newsletter, of big, bright emptiness opening up before me and I could tell I was going […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-577","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pSTth-9j","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/577","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=577"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/577\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=577"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=577"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/susansenator.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=577"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}