Susan's Blog

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Sap Gene

Ooh, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I’ve got you, to help me forgive
You, you’re my best friend.

In my family we have what’s called “the sap gene.” This is when we get all mawkish and mushy over something, where we just give in to the feeling until we are dissolved in it. So here goes: I feel like an abused woman who walks on egg shells. But it’s not an alcoholic spouse I fear. It’s my own son. Nat came home with a chip on his shoulder; probably upset about the weather. Now he won’t even let me use the phone! He keeps talking about dinner, and it’s only 4:30. Yet he won’t eat anything. He just walks away from me, screaming, bellowing like an animal in pain. I have been crying all day, because I don’t know what we are going to do if this doesn’t get better.

It doesn’t help that it’s 9/11 and raining. Or that I keep flashing back to happier times, to my little Stand-up Natty, who would push up from my lap on his strong infant legs, grinning about his marvelous feat (feet). And then there was Natty In the Mirror, who delighted at his own reflection. I am getting so maudlin, I’m as gross as a package of Splenda, but what else can I do? This is my F***ing outlet. I hate crying to my friends, I feel embarrassed doing that; or to Ned, who is bearing his own pain about this. I cried to Mom for a while, and I thank God she is there for me, although I wish she were right here. (She’s coming on Sunday. I want to take her with me to The Middle East to see the bellydancing.)

But I wish there was someone to whom I could just say, “Now please figure this out for me.” I keep feeling like there’s something else I should be doing. I talked to his school today; I talked to insurance companies to straighten out our many bills. Anything to stay busy. I exercised and tried to exorcise the pain, but it was a temporary relief.

The LOLcats made me laugh today,

and the I.T. Crowd made me laugh last night. There is always relief, but for now it all feels sniffly and teary.

Hey – I just found out on I.M. that Ned is coming home early to help out. So I’m crying again. That’s my best fwend. That’s my silver lining. Now the sap is really flowing. I’ll stop before you all have a diabetic coma.


Where would we be if we couldn’t find something funny on the internet to keep us sane?

Hoping things calm to a dull roar for you all soon.

— added by Someone Said on Tuesday, September 11, 2007 at 6:27 pm

Nah, no diabetic comas. It is wonderful that Ned is coming home to help today. And it’s more than OK to let it all hang out with us! Like I said before, I wish I had something concrete to offer you but all I have is compassion. That, love, and prayers that it will get better.

— added by Niksmom on Tuesday, September 11, 2007 at 8:28 pm

Ned is the bomb – relish and reward that.

Our lives are madness – I’m starting to equate everything in my life to a game of whack-a-mole: the war in Iraq, terrorists jumping out of unexpected locations to Jared’s autism – with his fits and anxieties popping out in a new spot after we patch up an old spot. Sometimes internally I have the strength to cope, and sometimes, like Sunday, I dissolve because the truth is my son is trying to assault me as I drive.

Cake is an excellent peace maker. Having your birthday on September 11th is a bit of a drag, but I had a great day. We gathered around the cake, which read “Happy Lisa”, and it was wonderful. Now who says you need a birthday to have a cake? Perhaps you need a “Get Happy” cake? My brilliant friend Katherine has each of her boys list three good things in their Christmas card. Maybe you guys could make a cake and talk about what is good for you each as individuals. Jared likes to fill in the blank, “I like _________”. Maybe this could shift Nat focus from the dark stuff.

Thanks for sharing the crap, it helps me think about how to lift myself on the uber-crappy days. MMmmmm cake…….

— added by Lisa on Wednesday, September 12, 2007 at 11:54 am

I hear you and feel for you. Sometimes life sucks.

— added by Anonymous on Wednesday, September 12, 2007 at 8:38 pm

%d bloggers like this: