Susan's Blog

Friday, March 5, 2010

Lost, and Found

Funny how life works. I spent the morning a bit of a wreck from a late night out last night. I was weepy and self-destructive in my thoughts. I did some basic stuff, like cleaning my car and changing the beds, just to feel like a useful human being. I thought, with a defeated sigh, that chocolate was going to figure big in my day, and the thing is, I just lost 4 pounds last month.

Eventually I forced myself to go out, with my laptop. I would pretend I was a writer. The last two Nat essays I’ve been working on (one for Parents Magazine, and one for an anthology of This I Believe essays) were very laborious, so I had convinced myself this ugly morning that I was no longer a writer. Even though Nat is my muse, sometimes I get tired of putting thoughts about him together onscreen. Sometimes it almost reduces him to a two-dimensional being when he is at least 3D. No glasses necessary.

I got to Peet’s and found a seat by the window, the corner of the counter, where you don’t have to be near anyone yet you don’t have to feel guilty for taking a whole table. It was sunny, yet just the right angle that I could still see my screen. The guy who took my order was really kind. I flipped open Twilight Princess and worked steadily until my meter was almost up. A rough draft, at least a start, for a rough day.

But then, the boys started to come home, one by one. The crisp little voice of Ben. The loud, loping stride of Nat. The lazy, LOL-ish I.M. voice of Max. I had a purpose again. I know it’s not good to be defined by other people, but it’s the truth. I love being their Mommy. And so we worked on Max’s birthday cake (the temple from Lost, Season VI). And I realized that writing about my sons doesn’t come close to how great they really are. A picture is worth a thousand words, but three sons are worth a million.


Lovely. Glad your day turned around, although we've all been where you were this morning. My boys brighten my day, too, and help ground me when I'm spinning out in weird directions.

— added by Jordan on Friday, March 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm

I was there Thursday, late night, poor sleep (boys). Just off all day until they came home.

There was a time I had to have them here and there so I could get some respite. But now I look forward to holidays and weekends. They're no angel's, but I like having them underfoot.

Yesterday was also sluggish, but not blah, until I took little boy out to a children's program my friend was running. Must have shown… my friend kicked me off to the mall with a "he'll be fine, come back later".

So I did my shopping, took my time, came back and visited. Sometimes that's what it takes.

— added by farmwifetwo on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 7:03 am

Your kids are lucky, Susan. You seem to always find a way to take a soul searching difficult time and turn it into a chance to appreciate your boys.
I've had days like that, more in the past than in the now, where life seems to take me to a sad and painful place. A friend and I were talking about what it is in our lives that helps us through stress or sadness. Exercise is one, reading, meditation, and reiki are others. To be sure, those can help me too, but not always. Without fail, what I can always count on to take me out of myself is going to work. Some would say that that is nuts and I understand. But it's not the endless paperwork and meetings, it's the time spent with the kids and adults I work with. Their needs are so immediate and they are almost always "in the moment" that I get lost with them. And not once, even on the most difficult days, have they ever failed to help me. So when people say that thing that they say that I usually try to defect, "you must have so much patience" I honestly say that I really don't, that there is something out there for everyone, and that I get back more than I could ever have imagined all of those years ago in my "special education 101" class.

— added by Michele on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 7:12 am

wow…I blogged about the same thing on the same day without ever having read this entry yet…..we must have been riding the same wavelength……except my Mommy moment came out loud and clear at my friends very unexpected and shockingly surprising wake…..
I know exactly what you are going through…….in such a rush to reclaim my individuality on some level, it all comes back to finding myself again and agin in my 3 boys and my hubby…'s part of who we are……
Can't wait to read your book….congrats

— added by maribel on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 9:16 am

I Loved your post Susan. So very true. Our days may be challenging, and sometimes even our nights are not so good. All it could take to bring me back is one of their smiles. Our week has not been the greatest, Nick has been in quite a 'funk' all week, Michael has just been Michael. He is ten and with that comes some new challenges. With all that has been going on the last few days, here I am, as I am each and every weekend-sitting around the table with my two boys eating breakfast. It is morning and we have a fresh start. Everyone is all smiles, and Nick is just being 'yummy'. Today will likely be absolute chaos with some meltdowns and door slammings, but tomorrow morning all will be new again.
I love it. Amidst all the meltdowns, screaming, and the two of them annoying each other, I know deep down that I cannot live without it. Without my two boys I cannot breathe. They are so intertwined together that I cannot say either of their names without thinking of the other. Many parts of our lives are challenging, but many more parts are beautiful.

— added by Amy on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 12:12 pm

Yes, I feel that it is truly a blessing to be alive. I don't always feel it, but today I do.

— added by Susan Senator on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Thank you for your recent comments on my blog, Susan. It's so helpful to have the support from those who have 'been there, done that.'

— added by Mama Deb on Sunday, March 7, 2010 at 12:44 pm

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