Susan Senator

My parents are very funny people. Sometimes they mean to be, especially Dad. Most of the time, though, they are just funny being themselves. Often, as in Mom’s case, they don’t even know why I’m laughing. Over the years I have made a practice of Parentology, which is the study of one’s parents, so as to better understand oneself. In order to convey to you, my readers, as close a facsimile as possible, you have to hear them in your head the way I do. Dad offers a kind of running commentary on what’s going on around him. If you listen carefully, you will hear all kinds of dead-on observations and silly jokes, puns, all uncensored stream-of-consciousness comments. Dad’s voice is soft and mellow, kind of a Gene Kelly timbre, with a Brooklyn accent. He looks a bit like Gene Kelly meets Woody Allen. Mom is kind of an innocent, though extremely bright. Everyone loves her; she’s very dear and forgiving. Her voice is the tiniest bit salty, not quite as low as Lauren Bacall, not as much Brooklynese as Dad. She has a kind of way of looking at you with her almond shaped catlike eyes, as if she is trying to get what you’re all about. Or maybe that’s just me.

We have a lot of Senator family lore that I think I’m going to write about for real one day, but for now, I’m going to record for your pleasure and contemplation, the Senator Momilies and Daddages, in no particular order of importance:

I Can’t Give You Pennies Every Day (No Spoiling Allowed)
Never Go In Empty Handed (Be Economical With Your Actions)
Do Your Chores (Dad Made Us Do A Lot of Chores, Like Gardening, Which I Now Love)
Is This Okay? (Meaning, If I Feed it to You, Is There The Slightest Chance You Will Die?)
Control Your Voice (SUSAN is too loud again)
Do You Like it? (Meaning, If You Like it, It’s Fattening)
The World Doesn’t Owe You A Living (Stop Sulking)
Where Was I Going? (Mom in Her Car, and Now Me in My Car)
Activities of Daily Living Don’t Count as Exercise (Dad is a Very Macho Exerciser)
Know Your Car (Dad is a Car Yenta)
Don’t Say “Should” (Dad Hates Obligation But Lives By It Nevertheless)
Don’t Contemplate Your Navel (They Hate it When I Think Too Much)
Black and White are Not Colors (Dad is Very Opinionated)
It Must Be the Chinese Food (Eating Has Its Consequences)
That’s My Worst Sound (Dad is Very Opinionated)
What If You Never Tried Chocolate? (Meaning, Try New Things)
Did You Rinse That Before You Used it? (Mom Worries Needlessly About Taking Care of People Properly)
Clean Up As You Go, It’s Much Easier (Mom is Very Wise)
So? Don’t Bother With Them! (When People Get You Down — Both of Them Believe They Believe This, But Don’t Practice it)
Go Find A Friend! (Stop Contemplating Your Navel!)