Susan Senator

Last night I had dreams that were stark, colorful, and horrible. In one Benji was a baby and I was somewhere familiar with him and my sister (it was not Cape Cod, it was urban, like Philadelphia). I was going back for his bathing suit, and she and I had a horrible fight. I looked up inside the room I was in and there were like three huge centipedes on the ceiling — but they looked kind of like those “I Love Monsters” craft kits you get at chi-chi toy stores: each had a bright, neon-colored feather across its multi-limbed hairy body. My mother was there, and horrified by the centipedes, as was I. I was afraid they would drop on our heads, and if you’ve ever had a centipede in your house, you know how disgusting they are. Well, these were like 5 inches long and had feathers!

So I took a wagon down the street (all brick, ugly squat apartments) to go back for Benji’s little bathing suit (I don’t get it either, it’s a dream, remember?) Next thing I know, I’m inside, and outside I hear this terrible vehicular sound. I look out the window and I see a scooter-rider being dragged by a car. The car driver didn’t know it.

One important factoid out of the day’s residue: I had Nat go scootering, kind of against his will, yesterday. There were times when I was not watching him because he has become very aware of traffic.

Also, yesterday I said a terrible thing to Max. I was tired and bored, and I said to them all, “Let’s go outside, it’s beautiful out!” No one moved. I had to force them to go. Max stayed inside and I said to him: “You’re a couch potato and you’re going to be a fat adult!”

Oh, God.

He came out shortly after, and looked daggers at me. I muttered, “I’m sorry,” and went in to wash my hands (I had been weeding, pulling out all those horrid tall yellow dandelion-ish weeds that have sprouted everywhere like — well, like weeds). I checked my email, of course, (I am an email addict. Seriously.) Max had sent me the following email:

“You’re a couch potato and you’re going to be a fat adult”
I don’t think that’s fair, I was out “all day” as you put it 3 days in a row. Not outside all the time, but I did go out, walk to kurman’s and best buy, walk to matt’s house, walk up and down newberry street multiple times, etc. what does ben do? at least what i’m doing on the computer is creative while he watches tv all day…

Boy, was I ashamed. And at the same time, so very proud of him for being able to tell me so articulately and assertively and politely all at once, how he felt! I fired back a total apology. Later on, I made him sit down next to me and I kissed him and told him again.

Back to the dreams. I woke up at that point, with the awful sound of the car catching onto the scooter-rider reverberating throughout my head.

I lay there, wide awake. What did it mean? Was everyone safe?

I guess I don’t feel safe. I guess I feel guilty and like I’m allowing both large and small disgusting, terrible things to happen (centipedes, fights, car accidents)? How do I manage to do right by all three of them, my other loved ones, and even myself?

I fear I am screwing up.

Anyone out there know how to interpret dreams?