Susan Senator

I am going to follow the advice of a good friend of mine who knows the pain of dieting, and try something new, or rather, something very old: count calories. She and I were at the gym yesterday and talking about how we just can’t lose weight. I have been doing my Atkins (of course), pretty seriously, since New Year’s, and I don’t know; I think I even gained a little recently. Nothing that shows but still, I can feel it.

More than the weight issue is the food I eat. More and more I find that I feel like a weird alient when it comes to food. I am so heartily sick of saying, “Oh, I can’t eat that.” “Not even a little bit?” “Not even.” With Atkins, every carbohydrate must be counted and you can’t go over 20 in a day. That is such a tiny number!! But I did that, for a very long time. I loved the way I was never hungry, just a little bored. I loved the narrow structure imposed on my eating, the strict rules, the discipline. Me!!! Because it worked. But now it doesn’t. Why? Why? Why? (Laura, who is a doc after all, tells me it is our older metabolism, d’oh!)…

Well, now it is more than my body’s upholstery or my soul-gaping boredom; it is about health, health, health. I just do not feel like all the soy and fat are okay. I find I crave, crave, crave fruit! Bread! Yogurt! (Yes, all of those things are very carb-y). I am sick of eating salami and gazing longingly at the yogurt.

So of course last night, before my speaking gig, I gave in and had — gasp — a Granny Smith apple! And I popped two bags of popcorn, which charmed the boys into the kitchen and we all stood around a bowl showing handfuls of the fragrant yellow salty fluffy popcorn into our mouths. Such heaven, in so many ways: the eating/inhaling; the smell of it; being surrounded by Nat, Max, and Ben, so close to me, smelling them; looking at Max and Nat’s big man hands in the bowl; Benji’s beautiful silken perfect skin; feeling my blood sugar skyrocket in utter bliss.

I went to the talk, had a good time. Saw some old friends, made some new ones. One of my old friends gave me flowers! (Thanks, J!) Didn’t get lost going home, (thanks to a new friend who is the godmother to an autistic tot; I gave her a copy of my book, long story…)even the part where you go from 1A to 1 to Storrow Drive through the former Big Dig past the gorgeous, breathtaking Leonard Zakim Bunker Hill Memorial Bridge… I drove it as if I’ve lived here for 18 years. Oh wait a minute, I have!

But when I got back from my talk, I was hungry, and then the trouble began. I had tortilla chips! I had chocolate! And Ned joined me, happy to have a pigout partner. I said to him, “You know, I’m sick of feeling bad about having enjoyed something. I am NOT going to regret eating this food an hour later.” He said, “Like Chinese food? Where you’re hungry an hour later?” And I said, smiling, “Like Jewish food, where you feel guilty an hour later.” And then he reminded me that if I was feeling bad about feeling good, was that maybe a new kind of violation of the Sweetie Treaty? How many calories is the Sweetie Treaty?