Susan Senator

Don’t know just what I wanted
But I know, I wanted more.
–Carly Simon
I am very happy with my life. I made a list today of things that are over (like having babies, being a close buddy to Max, that sort of thing) but with which I am making peace; and things that are still with me and good (like being slim, bellydancing, having Ned, good health). I had a good mammogram today, and I don’t use the word “good,” lightly: the nurse was someone who has read my writings and she was so kind! She chatted with me through the whole grueling thing and kept my mind off my anxiety. The whole thing lasted like twenty minutes. What a gift.

I also spoke with a producer from a national show, one I’ve been on before, and she is interested in doing a new segment on me, autism, kids getting older, etc. It was great talking with her because she’s so down-to-earth and I can trust her to do a really good program. No exploitation, just honesty and also, some good resources. If I get the spot, it will be great for the book, and the advance my next one as well.

The next book is coming along great, I have about 70 pages. It has a wonderful prologue like Making Peace had, and I have really honed chapter 5, which is called, “Remember Me? The Two of You,” about fun and marriage while raising a special needs kid. All the chapters have titles that are expressions, like “Why Me?” and “Is That All There Is?” It’s the same tone and format as my other book, a narrative, anecdotes, and wisdom (my own kind, be that as it may). Of course I am going to weave bellydance into it, because it is a book about fun and happiness, but there is much more. I am also going to talk about my own process of becoming a happier person, before and during Nat and autism.

There is a lot to be happy about and to focus on. My life feels like a hearty banquet, a table set with Belgian linen, with all of my favorite people as guests. Some great Arabic hip hop in the background, playing, interchanged with Bob Dylan (before 1980). I’m wearing a Vera Wang lavendar pink tulle gown (which fits because I don’t eat any carbs and I’ve stayed this size for four years).

Anyway, I keep looking over at the other table, dreaming of cake and bread.

Why do I still feel like I want more?