Susan Senator

A lovely day. Not weatherwise, but moodwise. (Long ago I learned that grammar-wise is actually poor grammar. I can tell by the little red underlines that have appeared here on my screen as I write. You are really supposed to say “grammatically” or “according to the weather,” “with regard to my mood,” but screw it.) A lovely day because I had a lovely evening and because I feel like I am getting somewhere in terms of my own state of mind (or, mind-wise) and vis a vis Nat (Nat-wise).

It is no secret that this past six months or so I have been pulled downwards by depression. The wonderful thing is, the more you talk about this stuff, the more you learn. This is true about most things we suffer from. We should not keep misery to ourselves. I don’t mean that we should complain, complain, complain, or air your dirty laundry everywhere all the time. I mean, find some safe outlets for conversation so that you can both learn and help with these problems. I found out that one of my oldest friends, who no longer lives in Boston, and is a little older than me, had been going through the same thing. Likewise, my sister. All three of us explored this, with doctors (I saw a new specialist the other day) and others, and have concluded that there is something definitely hormonal going on, being that we are all in our mid to late forties. Perimenopause is not nearly as researched as it ought to be, but apparently a study showed that treating it with SSRIs like Prozac was even more or equally helpful as hormonal replacement therapy (which can have side effects, unlike Prozac, whose main side effects for me have been a recurring dream about a city. This place is both wonderful and terrifying. There are different parts I go to. My favorite part is the old Paris-Cambridge-South Street Philadelphia-like section. There are amazing vintage clothing shops there. My least favorite part is the scary train you have to take there, and the really poor, bad neighborhood — a little like West Philly, where I lived during college and year one of marriage to King Edward, Neddy The Sweet).

So I am going to get my thyroid and other things tested. Meanwhile, I have been pursuing thoughts about Nat with our psychiatrist, and we now have a steady plan for him, which mostly involves studying him on Resperadone at a higher dose, which has had good results in certain studies. He is still on a very low dose, so it is okay to increase it a bit. Although he is a tiny bit less explosive than he’s been, he seemed so unhappy yesterday, so bothered by things beyond his control. The stupid streetlight would not go on, the sun would not come out, Ned was late, he couldn’t see the pepper. So many things make him feel bad, he seems so at a loss for getting a handle on his surroundings. How do I explain to him that we have to let go of such things, when I, too, have a problem with letting go? I understand all too well how it feels to wish for more control over my world and what others are doing, but not to be able to accomplish that. In that way, the Twelve Steppers have a point: God grant me the ability to let go of the things I can’t control, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Something like that. A good mantra for us all.

But why is it a lovely day, you might still be wondering, a propos to my lede (or, lede-wise)? Because I have begun a 5-week session with my original bellydance teacher; this is a class that my new friend L organized. Last night it was wonderful being back with that teacher, and going wild with her and just two other women, total freestyle while she inserted ideas here and there, and taught us a bit about zill rhythms. After that, L and I went to the Middle East for a drink and saw a bunch of friends there, as well as a great dance show.

And today I am seeing my parents, to help them set up their Cape house. It is total crap weather, classic New England Raw, but I am very psyched to spend the afternoon with M & D and maybe do some gardening there and get a good meal out of the deal. Family-wise, a good day.