Susan Senator
All happy families are not alike...
All happy families are not alike...
A Really Crappy Day
Slaughtered, gutted and heartbroken.
But things could be worse.
–Squeeze
Today all I wanted to do is escape. I took two naps. I drank a ton of coffee, but no buzz was to be found. I ate all the carbs I felt like. I worked out for an hour. I busied myself with my presentations for my Sioux Falls conference this Thursday (I am going to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Augustana College’s conference, to be their keynote.) I got Ben a favorite playdate. I made them good healthy lunches. I figured out how Max could see John Hodgman speak at the sold-out Brookline High School graduation. I got Nat a different version of Alice in Wonderland and he and Ben watched together.
I am making this list so that you will see that I am not an awful person. But I feel like an awful person. I had no joy today. No fun. No pleasure in the teaming life surrounding me. I am worried about Nat. He is still having growly tantrums just about every day. Out of the blue. Or sometimes not out of the blue, but because we simply cannot stick to routines he would like us to. The front door must stay closed at all times, even when it is sweltering out. No one should sleep past 6:30 a.m, especially on Saturday and Sunday. All laundries must be done and put away. All dishes out of the sink. Everyone must eat lunch at the same time. Mommy and Daddy cannot go out at night.
But I need to go out. I need to be alone with Ned. I feel like I’m in prison again. I don’t know how to help Nat feel better and I feel like I can’t leave. Ever. Even when I do, I hold my stupid cell phone in my sweaty hand and check, check, check, afraid that whoever is left at home with Nat is going to need my help. I am so worried about going away to South Dakota Wednesday night. Will Ned feel overwhelmed? Will Nat be unhappy and inconsolable? He got that way when I went to Town Meeting last week. Town Meeting only lasts like 4 hours.
What happens to other people who feel they can never leave their homes or their kids? What happens when it is only the husband and wife who feel they can manage their child? What do single parents do when it gets like this?
They end up feeling like they have to take two naps a day and eat themselves into oblivion. They look at their spouses and think about sex but it seems like a distant dream. They feel weighted down, leaden, gray, shriveled, cold, sour, finished.
Flush this day right down the toilet! Where’s my bed?
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I’ve had several of those in a row this week. It is depressingly gray and cold here in San Francisco, where we are SUPPOSED to have summer.
I enjoy the odd Nighttime Tylenol for occasions like these. Movies in bed, pull the shades and just go for it.
May it be restful and restorative.
Hah! Nighttime Tylenol, I love it!
I may just go out to the Middle East for some Sunday night bellydance if I can get the energy and my friend Lisa to go!
I notice a pattern here. You and I often have the same bad days. Weird! I felt almost exactly like this today. After yelling for Chance to come downstairs to pick up his game on the kitchen floor(which he took as me yelling at him and got irritated in a door-slamming way for)I got this horrible jaw ache that I’ve been dealing with off and on. I ended up taking a Loritab and then running around in the wet grass with the kids before bed. I feel for you, really. And darnit! I so deeply wish I could go to your keynote on Thursday. I will have to wait until you go to Minneapolis again. I wish you peace and well-being. Have a safe trip this week. I hope it works out at home while you are away. -Mrs. G
I had a day like yours today. My Max has been “having tizzies” a lot lately, just like your Nat. Stormy weather seems to exacerbate Max’s tantrums and anxiety… Do you think Nat might be affected by the leaden sky and gloomy weather too? My heart is with you, as I know that feeling of being under siege all too well. – TP
Chocolate is my friend.
We’re lucky, because I have a mom who comes and watches the little guys, and that’s OK with them. I tried to get a babysitter once. That was a disaster- and they never even watched the guys. Getting professional respite is $30-$50 an hour, and has a months-long wait-list.
Right now, I am not permitted to leave the hosue without Joey. He will literally scream until I return. If Daddy leaves once he’s home from work or on a weekend, Joey screams until he gets back.
What to do? He goes to school fine, goes to therapy fine, so we don’t actually do much.
I think you probably already know, through experience, what the answers are. Look back on other times in your parenting adventures when it has been this way and figure out what helped, what got your through, what ended it…there might be some clues there for you
A.Nonny Mouse
Ah, I remember those days well…..just the two of us, me and my Precious, and nobody else could stand in. Add sleep deprivation due to years of said Precious being up at 1, 2 am for the rest of the night and the entire next day, and all I remember was being in a daze for days, days of daze and just getting through one hour at a time. Tantrums, behaviors, things that came and went like needing to hit certain surfaces ( that happened to be on people, like bald heads) and to have certain rituals or words played out in the exact right way. I mean, we do what we do because we love deeply and we understand as best we can, and because this is what we are handed, and because our kids are “our millions” like you quoted, and because we ache with longing to have them feel OK, be at peace. And it still happens, but much less than it did, and I have learned to ask for help, and Precious has learned to let go some. Chocolate is good, Yoga and relaxation is better, and the grace of time and friends and Higher Power are strong shoulders to lean on. Thoughts are with you…..my darling had a bad day yesterday too.
I have to echo the weather commentary here, too. Nik’s been flat out miserable since Saturday night when the barometer started to drop. The storms came on strong yesterday —literally AND figuratively. Niksdad and I are have been like ships passing in the night as we tend to Nik’s needs and schedule. The only solution we’ve found thus far is to schedule time every couple of weeks where my folks will come AFTER Nik has gone to bed and we sneak off to a movie or just go get a cup of coffee and drive out in the country. Sex??? What’s that? Who has energy after being up in the middle of each night? I don’t have any answers that help, but I sure know how you feel.
We had a very rough day yesterday as well. K.C. is so routine driven it nearly drove me nuts and I had to keep his 7 year old brother from bonking him on the head more than a few times. It was a tough day, no one can watch tv unless it on channel 53. You have to sit in the same spot to eat everytime and God forbid we decide to do something spur of the moment. He’ll scream, headbang and whats worse is it seems endless.
Red wine helps!
Try to keep your chin up – this is hard. We’ve used calendars and national maps to show the kids where I’ll be and for how long, pretty elementary stuff considering the books you’ve made to prepare Nat for new adventures. Is Nat experiencing a lot of change in his schedule? Maybe with school ending and all, he’s being bossy with you guys to maintain some control over his routines?
Not to push any particular med, but we’ve had a lot of success with Invega lately. It’s a reformulation of Resperdal, supposedly with fewer side effects. Jared’s tantrums have dropped from maybe 5-6 a day down to 0 or 1 a day. He’s just less likely to explode in a rage to the tiniest frustration. He’s much better coping with transitions and with me leaving the house. The only drawback we see so far is the increased appetite.
Whether fighting a funk or a hangover, Chinese food and grape soda (consumed in the privacy of my own home) raises my spirits, so good luck on raising yours.
You’re in a hard position.
I wonder if he understands more than you think, and has simply figured out that uttering few words and making these demands is a very effective way of controlling you with very little effort on his part.
That’s something I would have done, long ago.
It’s perhaps worth pondering how you can test to see if he’s thinking along those lines.
Perhaps he’s more agressive because he’s feeling more successful . . .
great comments from everybody! thanks! Our son has sleep issues every night. The sleep deprivation impacts everything we do (and don’t do), and is killing us. dinner out? maybe once every 2 months.
I SO RELATE TO EVERYTHING HERE! it helps me to know you feel this way too sometimes even though i want you to feel good, free, calm and centered.