Susan Senator

My friend R asked me and other people in her life to jot down a few “words of wisdom” for her daughter, who just graduated from high school. I was touched by this request, and I was also surprised by what I came up with, and then after reading it, not surprised at all. See what you think:

Most of what I know of you is from your mother, so I have been enjoying you grow up vicariously, which has been a double pleasure for me because I have no daughters. I think I would have enjoyed a daughter like you, although mothers and daughters are so intertwined that often it is tough for them to actually enjoy each other. I know this because I am a daughter, with a lovely, intense mother, who still has the power to irritate me and disappoint me at the age of 44! But the thing is, she is also one of the only ones who has the power to make me feel truly listened to and deeply adored. There is that emotional embrace that comes from a long conversation with your mother that no one else can give in that particular, intimate way. Maybe you don’t relate to what I’m saying at the moment. You have not been away from your mom long enough, perhaps. But in time, I think you’ll come to see what I mean.

I think that this “advice” can apply in the general sense as well: things are not what they seem, especially people (especially mothers). Take another look. When you think you know someone, look again. Never dismiss, unless you sense cruelty. You should never put up with cruelty, by the way. Know that you deserve the best, but not in a Princess sense; I mean you deserve the best treatment from others but for that you must give it to them as well. The trick is not to give yourself away too quickly. That is where your mother can help. She is a very centered person (and I am not saying she is perfect!). But she has a real solid understanding of herself, and therefore of others. She sees the good in people, while being able to discern their flaws. She does not dismiss them for their foibles, but rather, looks beyond them. And she laughs.

If there is anything I can convey to you about what I’ve learned in life it would be these things (of which I’ve probably told you too many by now!): 1) your mother’s voice can be one of your inner compasses, but not your only one; 2) you will have to learn how and what to shrug off, and what to keep, from others; and 3) look for people who make you laugh and who laugh at your jokes. It is those people with whom you are your truest self, and that is another path to happiness.

Good luck, I’ll be hearing about you in the years to come.

ps. 4) it is really okay if your husband is your best friend!