Susan Senator
All happy families are not alike...
All happy families are not alike...
Age Young
What age are we really? I find that I am happy to feel like a forty-something, but that I often do not. I feel like a make-believe adult at times, like I’m kind of pretending to be a grown-up, and I hope no one discovers my secret! Today when I worked out Max’s day with him, I found myself feeling this way. He asked me for money and I said, “Yeah, I have some, in my wallet. You can go and get it.”
He came back and I said, “So did I have money?” I felt kind of like a little girl saying, “Can I have some munny?” Why didn’t I even know if I had cash? What kind of adult carries no cash with her? A pretend adult. Max looked at me but his expression was blank. What was he thinking? Was he wondering why he didn’t have a real mother, like everyone else?
Maybe some of this is because Max and Nat are just so old. They tower over me. Did these men actually once sleep curled up in my arms? I look at their faces, I stare into their eyes looking for those babies. Where did they go?
I totally enjoy my relationships with my kids, but that is not the point here. I do wonder why I feel so young so often. And how I love it when I feel comfortable in my 44 year old skin, and sure of myself.
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Once in a while you write something that makes me exclaim “me too!” My oldest child is this year a senior in high school, received his permit just three days ago, and to celebrate the occasion I had him drive the 20 minutes for his first day.
I thought that maybe NOW this would make me feel like an adult. Nope. I’m perpetually around fourteen years old in my mind.
And one last thing … I almost never have any cash. Ever. My wife doesn’t allow it. I don’t even know where our checkbook balance stands. No idea. It works better for us that way.
I thought I was the only one who feels like a kid in an adult body. My insecurities.
I feel the same way.
When my father was still alive, suffering cancer and in a nursing home, I think he was about 78 at the time, we discussed our own feeling of age. He claimed he still felt 35 which was my age at the time. I must admit that notion was a bit of shock. I held my father in such high regards as a font of wisdom that it was hard to imagine him feeling my age.
I don’t know if this is a universal thing or not. Maybe we are just lucky.
I feel old. I can’t relate to anyone in my age group, and it surprises me that I’m even dating someone younger than myself (I think in the end though it keeps me balanced. He makes me laugh and makes me feel like we’re eight sometimes. The fart jokes, they crack me up.)
But without him to balance me, I feel old. The bills, the laundry, cooking dinner every night. Entertaining the “in-laws” (not really but same concept). All of my friends here are 30+.
Anyways. I hope I don’t feel old forever. I wouldn’t mind just being my age (sometimes).
I was fifty a few weeks ago and I find it hard to believe. I still think people who are fifty must be a lot older than me.
I would never be brave enough to belly dance in public. But for some reason I’m not scared to perform standup routines from my book.
I think everyone feels this way. The other night my oldest son handed me some form to be filled in by parent or guardian and I had a momentary age warp blip and almost turned in my seat to hand it to the real parent: my mother. Oh wait, I’m a mother too. In fact I’m this kid’s mother, and I can, in fact, fill out this form. Duh.
In two years I’ll move into the role of president in my professional organization. In my mind, I feel I “lack the maturity” to fufill this role, and I could be found out any time. I like grape soda, but not in front of other grown-ups.
If I have cash I spend it, so it’s better to go cashless.
I think you should have a paint ball birthday party, because I think it would be so much more exhilerating to hunt down your friends, instead of going to a lunch or a spa.