Susan Senator
All happy families are not alike...
All happy families are not alike...
Daydreaming
Daydreamin’ bout the way things sometimes are…
BD, Idiot Wind
Something’s gotten into me. Tis good, I believe. I am thinking a lot about things that I thought were stuck. I am feeling the fluidity of things and I’m so glad. I think I may have found a new handle on some difficult issues. My therapist once told me that she hoped I would one day be able to integrate even the “ugliest” parts, claim them as mine, like the urge to go back and clean, or go back and check. She hoped that one day I would be able to talk about these needs, acknowledge them, without feeling ashamed, or ugly.
In my forties this has happened. I don’t have the cleaning urge (God knows! Actually my house could use a little OCD these days…) but I have other ones. Chocolate comes to mind. I don’t want to be a 12-stepper who says, “I just cannot have chocolate. I can’t handle it.” I want to be a person who can control the chocolate. Have some, but not feel like my whole day has now gone to hell because of one bite of it. I want to learn how to regulate. I want to accept that I may gain a little weight, but it’s okay. I want to have my cake and eat it too, know what I’m saying? I’m tired of being Madame de Nile, unless that’s my new BD moniker. I want, I want, I want…
I am also thinking of premiering publicly as a belly dancer. How do I know I’m good enough? Ready? Lately I don’t much care. Who’s gonna know I’m not ready? God knows I’ve practiced enough. It looks like I mostly stay lifted and keep good form. The only thing is, I don’t smile much. And it is hard to look people in the eye and do that stuff.
But October 18 is fast approaching and I will be 45. I want to do something special! Take back the night, all that. Well, take back the afternoon, I guess. So maybe, just maybe…I’ll gather around my best girlfriends and go for it. But where? How?
Life just keeps a-going.
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No one is ever truly “ready” the first time they perform. The only way to learn to be a performer is to *do it*!
Of course, you need to pick a venue where your audience will be there to celebrate your achievements, but if I was anywhere near you I’d be in the front row zaghareeting through the whole show!
You find your spot, scope it out, and do it.
It took me years to find the right moment to read in public. Your moment will happen sooner.
I think so many of us can relate to this. As I get older, I appreciate the “F-’em” attitude that older people (like my grandparents had) exhibit in their later years. We spend so much of our lives fearful of not measuring up that we reach a point when we see we’ve kept ourselves from doing the things which make us happy. That is the point you have to take a deep breath and just dive right in.
I hope you’ll dive soon…and tell us all about it! 🙂
Mine’s Oct 17, our birthdays are coming up!
I think you should do your dream birthday, you wrote about it a few posts back… Maybe not entertain in your own home, if you don’t feel like it, but go somewhere divine like that, very beautiful. 🙂 That would be very fitting.