Brookline – Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because she was trying to get away from the wild turkey that was attacking her.

Yes, this is no joke. If I had only gone to Athan’s, which I love, with its gorgeous pastries, free Internet and foamy lattes in smooth white cups, none of this would have happened. As it was, I was crossing Winthrop at Beacon, trying to get a coffee at the Starbucks for a change, because I wanted more of a walk before my 8:30 appointment. As I got to the corner, this thing ran over to me. Being used to the big, relatively mellow Canada geese at the Reservoir that only stare, honk and get in your way, I just kept walking. But it followed me! I walked faster. So did it. I ran. It ran, too. It made a gobbling noise, which sounded menacing: It was about up to my waist, and very close — only 2 feet away from me.

I swung my bag at it to scare it off, and it rushed at me. I screamed. Passersby were stopping, looking, laughing, but not helping. They were only calling out useless advice. “Stand still,” a man offered, but I noticed he did not come any closer. I did as he advised, and the bird stood still, moving its head from side to side, trying to fix me in its crosshair-vision, reminding me all too much of the raptor attack in “Jurassic Park.” No one was really all that helpful, particularly the man who stopped his car — middle of Beacon while traffic was moving — and yelled out, “Hey, President Bush is visiting again!” Very funny, but get this turkey away from me so I can go back to living my harried life.

I stared at the thing, beginning to panic. What did it want? Why me? Why was it here? And of course: Who know they were so ugly? Red knobby head, pink around the black, beady eyes and a strange tuft of black hair coming out of its chest. It may have been offended by my horrified stare.

As I plotted to make my escape, I wondered a little about global warming; was this some kind of result of nature out of balance? Or was this a result of hunting being way out of vogue around here? Maybe this bird was sent by the anti-override factions in town? No, that was too ridiculous a thought, even for me. After all, the override isn’t even on the ballot yet. It was also too early for Thanksgiving Day protests from animal rights activists.

No, this was not politically motivated turkey tactics. I mused about the deer epidemic just about everywhere, how my mother can’t grow anything anymore because of the “damned deer.” And we even have bunnies in our yard now who are so bold they don’t even run away when I take pictures. So now, wild birds. What was next, mountain lions? Siberian tigers? I knew there were bears in some New Hampshire yards, because one keeps attacking my father-in-law’s bird feeder. That is some scary stuff to a city girl. I came to Boston to fight for parking spaces and get rejected from Harvard grad school, not to battle with Big Bird on crack.

Finally, a policeman came over, and it was as if the turkey realized its guilt. It skittered away like a bank robber in a poorly planned heist. I was so grateful for that policeman that I almost hugged him — but I wanted to get away before the bird changed its mind. I did ask him what that was all about and he said, “I don’t know, do you have a ham sandwich in your pants or something?” I knew there must be a joke in there somewhere, because I was happy to see that cop, but alas, I was in no mood to laugh.

I trudged up to Starbucks, found a huge line, and realized I had no more time anyway. Moral of this story: I should have gone to Athan’s, an independent small business, rather than cave into the easy allure of the corporate chain. No, perhaps there is no moral here, except what my father always used to say, “Don’t let the turkeys get you down.”

Susan Senator is author of “Making Peace with Autism,” awarded the Exceptional Parent Magazine Symbol of Excellence. She can be reached at www.susansenator.com.