Susan Senator

One of my most poignant memories of all time is of walking up three flights of stairs to our top-floor condo. As I walked, I was holding Baby Max, stroller draped from my elbow, and Little Nat was reaching up to me, stumbling over my legs, saying, “I pick you up, I pick you up,” in classic, autistic echolalia.

But no, I could not pick him up. It was not humanly possible to carry both of them. There was nothing I could do to help Nat understand that I really, really, wanted to, but I just could not.

I do not ever think to myself, “Why did Nat have to be that way and need me to pick him up?” Instead, I will always grieve the fact that I did not have more arms. And now, as the mother of much older boys who would never in a million years say such achingly adorable things to me, I only wish I had sat down on the stairs and let Little Natty just climb aboard for a few seconds. Why was I in such a sweaty hurry to get upstairs, anyway?

What really matters is for parents to be able to love their children, help their children be who they are, while still being able teach them to stand on their own as much as possible, and being wise enough to know the difference.

The above is the NYU Child Study Center’s latest ad campaign. (please click and follow instructions about how to express your reactions to this campaign) It gave me ugly chills. As my readers know, Ned and I have been going through the guardianship process for Nat now that he is 18. We are doing this guardianship because we do not believe he can make decisions for himself in terms of his best care. So I look at this ad and I understand that what they are getting at is not untrue. It is the “caring for himself” part, in particular that is hard to argue with. What parent does not worry about how his child will care for himself? But Ned and I can see that Nat cannot — yet — take a trip to the store on his own, crossing streets safely and interacting with the clerks successfully, remembering to count change, etc. Ned and I would dearly love, would give chunks of our own flesh if possible, to help Nat be able to do these things. Why? Because no parent wants to be able to entrust their dear child to the care of others. It is too uncertain. That uncertainty makes me feel like I never can die. That is such a hard thing to bear that sometimes it actually makes me feel like I want to die.

Still, all of that does not mean that Nat is somehow wrong as he is.

Raising our children means, in part, to teach them how to survive on their own in the world after we are gone. To pick themselves up. But some people cannot do this. And it is, at best, misleading of the NYU Child Study Center to promise that they can succeed somehow where Ned and I and so many others have not. Nat, in many ways, is exactly as they threaten in this ad. Did we call the wrong Child Study Center (Children’s Hospital of Boston, and Massachusetts General, along with many Harvard-trained physicians and specialists)? Did we not do enough for our son, to care for him and teach him the ins and outs of the world? Hmmm. Or is he very heavily autistic and nothing would change that, and what he has needed all along is high quality education, encouragement, help — more picking up.

Nat is all that they say in this ad. Yet, he is a wonderful, loving young man — and I’m not just saying that because I’m his mother; I have proof! Seriously, he is that same person who asked me for love as a three-year-old, who cringes when his brothers are mad at him, who makes us laugh with his off-the-wall jokes and “silly” talk, who bakes a mean corn bread, who led 60 people in prayer at his Bar Mitzvah, who blesses candles in Hebrew any time anyone lights them (even at Christmas dinner!) who helped his swim team get the gold medal, who dependably delivers Meals on Wheels to needy people …. I could go on and on.

The NYU Child Study Center is trying to scare parents into action. Okay, it is true that people with autism, ADHD, depression, etc., need help coping so that they can lead worthwhile lives. It is way true.

But isn’t there a positive way to offer help and treatment? NYU CSC seems to be saying that if you don’t call them, your ADHD, Autistic, or Depressed, child will end up isolated, or horribly sad, or even dead. Plus, they are equating being like my son with being like those things: the worst thing on earth. You and I both know that it is not. Difficult does not equal fighting a kidnapper. Challenging does not equal dead. Treat depression, educate and support autistics, and their families, find the right learning or medical approach for alleviating the symptoms of ADHD.

Offer help, education, support, resources — without reviling the way some people are. Do no harm.

I prefer that society help parents like me pick our children up, in all their glory.