Susan Senator

Lots of dreams, stuffed up nose, and the feeling that I didn’t actually sleep, but only effected some semblance of it. I have vacuumed down two mugs of half-caf already (it has to be half-caf because I like to drink so much of it) and my mind is ticking. I am taking in the day, gathering it at its soft white edges and trying to find its shape.

Maybe I can get the boys outside to sled. I really want to. We can actually sled in our yard, because of the gentle hill that starts at the neighbors’ line. We never leveled our lawn; no fancy grading here, I guess we failed in our landscape-perfection. But I love the slope and all the mature and overgrown spots that give the yard a real character, some texture and natural definition. There’s even a border of thick shrubs and low trees blocking us from the side street (we’re on a corner lot), that form a nice barrier when the sledding is particularly fast.

In my “sleep,” I dreamed I had volunteered at some town festival to bellydance. Only when it came time to go on, I could not decide which costume to wear. The real reason, I finally admitted to someone — Ned? My father? (What would Freud say about that question??) — that I did not want to dance in public. The person made me feel like that was okay. I had had that conversation with Ned just yesterday, telling him I really had no desire to dance for strangers in a restaurant, but that I really did want to be good enough to dance for friends. Right now, it feels just right: dancing for Ned and Nat, and for my Baby Bellies. (Last night I felt so bloated, though, that I just danced upstairs in my room so no one could see, and then I felt much better.)

In another dream, a neighbor who doesn’t like me — local politics, you shouldn’t know from it — came to my door to wish me a happy holiday, and I was so happy to see her. She was all in gray. That’s all there was.

Tonight I have some beautiful filet mignon I am going to try not to ruin so that the boys can taste really really good steak. I also bought potato knishes and challah, just because they like that stuff so much. I’m going to try tiny nibbles, as opposed to the Atkins thing, because more and more I feel like the Atkins thing is so crazy and unhealthy. (I shouldn’t eat a clementine? Or a carrot? How stupid is that?) Plus, obviously I’m not getting any thinner. But maybe that’s because of all the chocolate gifts that have found their way into my house. I can resist pasta, bread, rice, potatoes, but I cannot resist chocolate.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and of course we have nothing planned. For all of you who do, I hope it is a wonderful, beautiful, healthy holiday. For those of you like me, I wish you fun and happiness, too! Maybe Chinese food and a movie!