Susan Senator

I wonder about some autism treatments, and the benefits they might have that no one talks about: the relief they give to the parent, which then translates to a more competent, confident, relaxed, and empathic parenting style.

We have been having our sharp ups and downs with Nat and his aggressive outbursts, for a while now. You could say that aggression is part of his profile, but I would be pissed at you if you did. Please do not label my boy. He can become very frenetic and aggressive if he is knocked off his center by various of life’s vicissitudes, but I would say that it is more accurate to call him a “highly-charged” individual with an affinity/obsession for things that fascinate him and/or bug him (same as his mother). You might think that I am being very P.C. here in how I ask you to speak of Nat, but that’s okay. Sometimes Political Correctness is necessary because it has a beneficial affect on how you think of someone. If you think of Nat as a Violent Autistic Person, you would be doing him — and yourself — such an injustice because that sounds scary. But if you think of Nat as A Guy Who is Very High Spirited and Strong-Tempered, you would have a more accurate perception. It’s just a bit of a mouthful, so how about just thinking of him as “Nat?”

So I was saying that autism treatments may actually be better treatments for the parents than the kids. I was given a token board to help strengthen Nat’s ability to follow directions. I looked at this bright yellow Velcrow-y thing on my lovely matte-finish black granite kitchen counter and thought, How am I going to fit this into my life? It does not even match my kitchen…

Nevertheless, I asked Nat to play a game with me, and came up with four other directions for him to follow, such as, 1) Get the game; 2) Play with me; 3) Take apart the game; 4) Put the game away; and 5) Answer the phone. I was told to do high-probability and low-probability directions with him. But Nat loves directions and rules, and so of course he did everything. He answered the phone by rattling off an entire conversation into the receiver: “Hi, how are you, fine, I played at school, I played basketball.” Or something like that. (Good thing it was Ned on the other end.)

I thought, How is this really going to help when things get rough? The theory being that we get Nat more accustomed to following our directions, so that even when he de-stabilizes, we can point him to an activity and help him channel some of that excessive energy, and then work with him on whatever it is that is making him mad.

And then something toppled out of the fridge onto his foot, and Nat hates when things fall out of things, and so he started biting his arm. I looked at New Yeller sitting on my counter and I felt calmer. I wordlessly put the stuff back into the fridge and repeated the directions to set the table. He ran into the livingroom, biting his arm. But I felt calm. Max said, “Uh, he’s biting his arm,” and I nodded, knowing I could not call attention to it or it would all get worse. I quietly explained that to Max. In a steady voice I reminded Nat about setting the table, and he came in and did it. A total de-escalation, and the whole thing lasted less than a minute.

Was it because I felt the calm that a new strategy gave me? And do other parents feel such relief when they find something that may help, that that is just as good medicine as anything you are actually trying out with your kid?