Susan Senator
All happy families are not alike...
All happy families are not alike...
Days of Miracle and Blunder
Do not squander time, it is the stuff dreams are made of.
–The sign at Twelve Oaks, where Ashley lived.
These are the days of miracle and wonder…
–Paul Simon
Relentless aches and pains. Irregular cycles. Being blue for no reason. How do others deal with their own mortality and aging? I have to see my doctor today and I’m scared. I can no longer tell myself, “Oh, don’t worry, you’re young.” Because I’m not.
And with Max turning 16, and Nat moving towards moving out, I am starting to feel old. I find myself having thoughts like, “This is the best I’ll ever be, for the rest of my life!” This?! I’m never going to dance better, etc. I feel like I’m dealing with aging, and not very well.
It is hard when society makes you feel like the only people who count are under 35. The only ones having fun are twenty-somethings, the only way to be beautiful is to look under 35. And there’s no way you really can, unless you’re actually that age. I know in my head that that is not true, but it is hard to make my stupid inner self understand these things. My children have their lives ahead of them, God willing, and I wish I did, too. I wish I didn’t squander time when I was young. Youth really is wasted on the young. But here I am, squandering away, right now.
It is also hard for me when things start to feel very settled, and very linear, proceeding towards a certain goal. I have said before that I don’t like feeling settled, I don’t like feeling like something is resolved or over. I have a really hard time letting go. So now I’m supposed to let go of being a young woman, a young mother. And yet my grip is Gorilla-glue strong. I am not doing it very gracefully, I’m afraid.
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You really hit the nail on the head with this one Susan.I’m 44, and regret all the traveling I could have done when I had the time and energy.Just shoveling snow for half an hour, which was so easy ten years ago, makes me wake up all aches and pains the following day.
Susan – I echoed your sentiments in front of the mirror this morning, but would you really want to be 20 again? Okay, I’ll cop to wanting to be 35 again, but only for the better skin tone.
Nat, Max and Ben are beautiful and interesting boys, and it’s cost you some wrinkles, but it’s a fair deal if you ask me. Lisa
Recently, I met this beautiful, engaging and vibrant 74 year old woman who is a local artist, writer and storyteller in my town. When I told her my age (47) she laughed and said “Oh My God! Your just a kid!” Boy, I have replayed that moment in my mind again and again!
To think that she is 27 years older than me and in some ways more alive and fun, well, it made me feel like there is more than one way to grow older. I choose her way!
You have a smart friend in Lisa giving good advice. Those wrinkles are a fair deal. I know there is more to it than that, but this is life according to plan (for the most part). I admit to sharing the regret of not traveling and also being so stupid when I was young – I had no idea what is actually important in life but I am pretty confident that I do now. Also I passed on opportunities thinking there would be many – There weren’t.
Aging hit me a little while ago. I was in the drugstore some time ago in my own little world, enjoying the muzak and came to the isle with the gel shoe inserts. I though how good they would feel – they even had a hole in the package for idiots like me to squish them and as I did I inadvertently made an “oohhhh” sound which caught the attention of a teenage couple nervously deciding on condoms. They looked right at me, (or through me) as I stood there still holding on to the package…I started to think when I left the store – At that point I asked myself – when did it happen? When was the point where I went from having sex to enjoying muzak? When did I go from condoms to shoe inserts? Anyway your question was how do you cope? What do you do? I don’t know. I admit to giving this a good deal of thought since reading your blog yesterday and I don’t like the thoughts I am having – I was better off not thinking about it. However – I admit to enjoying reading most of what you write, it is nice to know someone else out there has similar thoughts and guidance between the lines. Throw in a belly dance video once in a while and it actually starts to feel like spring….