Susan Senator

His mother saw that he was not lonesome, and because she was an understanding mother, even though she was a cow, she let him just sit there and be happy.
–Munro Leaf, “The Story of Ferdinand”

Sometimes I feel like Ferdinand’s mother. Although my boys don’t prefer to sit under cork trees just smelling the flowers, they certainly do not like to run and butt heads with the other bulls. They do their own thing, and sometimes — like Ferdinand’s mother — I worry about them.

Beastie’s birthday party is a good example. I invited 5 boys for tomorrow, only to find that just two could make it. There was just something about the way that the others were so iffy and vague that made me feel a little clammy claw around my heart, the worry about the social thing. Ned and I I.M’ed about it all afternoon, and we both felt it a little bit. As always, we took turns reassuring each other that it would all be okay. Sure, of course, it is all just coincidence, I have no evidence, but — Oh Beastie!!! Why is it so hard sometimes?

Sometimes I just want to build a huge fortress here and keep them with me forever. Forget the world, forget independent living and ADLs and social skills. Forget vocational training, college, etc. Just stay here and “be my pet,” as my Dad used to say when I was little. I totally understand, Daddy!!

But of course that is not the way of things. We don’t give birth to kids for our amusement — that’s only a fringe benefit. Our reasons are far more primal than that, and also more complex. Our little eggs hatch and become big clunky teenagers and they have got to go. But we fear for them, oh yes we do.

So I moved the blasted party to next Saturday in the hopes that no one would wiggle out of it this time, and I called everyone right away to tell them. I can’t be lazy, which is my natural state in terms of social things. I have to do it for the Beast! I love him so! I want him to have the happiest life.

I want that for all of them. So, just like Ferdinand’s mother, I might let one of them be carted off to the bullfight just to see what they’re made of. But in the end, I think it will have to be okay if they are all frequent visitors of the old cork tree.