Susan Senator
All happy families are not alike...
All happy families are not alike...
Self-Injurious Behavior With Aggressive Outburst
Here’s what I just sent to Nat’s team. This happened just now:
Hi —
FYI, We just had a pretty intense outburst here, right as Nat got off the bus. I don’t know what caused it; I guess because there were dishes in the sink. (?) Of course I immediately felt like I had to clean out the sink and empty the dishwasher, to keep the peace. So of course, I just reinforced his intimidating behavior.
Ben has a friend over, too. Nat was escalating, muffling screams and biting his arm, so I had to tell Ben and his friend to go upstairs to eat their snacks, which I never do, in order to clear the room.
I don’t know how many times I reset the timer to get Nat to calm down. He was throwing things in the livingroom and playroom. He threw a water bottle at me.
I managed not to get hurt, though. No one els got hurt, except for Nat, of course — his bitten arm. I gave him his afternoon pills and also a Klonipin, which is what we use for last resorts. I feel utterly beaten down and angry. I see that we are making the right move, when it gets like this. I cannot teach him anything new, I cannot make any demands on him. I forget how it can be. And I was feeling so bad about it, all day today. But now —
I can’t believe this is that sweet boy of mine. I am trying not to cry because all the kids are here.
Sue
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How old is your boy? Hugs. I understand how hard it is to watch your child be so upset.
This sounds like my daughter between the ages of three and five. Once we put her on Seroquel, an antipsychotic those behaviors went away. We saw great improvment. No amount of behavioral intervention worked. I know medications are quite controversial but if he is on them they may need to be tweaked. If he is not on them maybe you can consider them. I know it is a very personal choice.
I hope that you find some relief for him soon. When my daughter used to try and injure herself life was exhausting. Hang in there. Prayers and hugs.
I also understand how difficult and exhausting this can be. Half the time we don’t know what causes our son to react like this. Our son, also, bites his arm, throws things, and on occasion has damaged walls. He recently went after his younger brother. Fortunately, the young one is 14 years old and can somewhat defend himself without hurting his older brother.
I am thinking of you and your family and hope things calm down for you. I haven’t visited your blog recently since it has been so crazy here in Rhode Island. Budget crisis… They might be pulling our son out of residential in Massachusetts and bring him back to Rhode Island. The only problem is that there isn’t anywhere to place him here.
Hang in there. We are all thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
This could be the sign that Nat is ready to move on. Mother Nature makes it easier at the end, I’ve said that here before. When NT kids leave for college they regress like crazy the summer before. Like pulling the band aid off slowly and painfully.
Nat’s inner clock may be telling him it is time to spread his wings and fly!
Again and as always, easy for me to say.
I agree with the last anon….nature does have a way of telling you when it is time to let go. you have cared wonderfully for him for 18 years!!!! holy canoli….you win the blue ribbon Susan. Love is not enough, right? You gave all that you could-and now you must realize that you love him enough to let him go, and help him. You dont want to lose your other two in the process. It is about what is best for Nat-not about guilt. As his mom-you know what is best. It is just not you anymore-and that is ok-that is how it is supposed to be with ALL kids when they grow up. Sucks, right?
peace
I am so sorry! I see my Charlie as a very big seven year old and frankly, I worry about what’s going to happen when he’s bigger than I am. I am glad you were not injured.
Hang in there!!
Susan – take heart, and maybe a Klonopin. This stuff is SO HARD. I can feel my blood pressure surge when Jared starts screaming, and I just want it to stop, without reinforcing that negative behavior. No matter how many times it’s happened, it still makes my heart pound, first in desperation, then in frustration.
When we had to abort our family mission to get our Christmas tree because Jared was hellbent to scour the Lowe’s for pirate ships – I was so pissed. Pissed that I thought we could do it, pissed that my husband was pessimistic, and pissed that Jared’s behavior left Thomas sobbing, and all this pissiness did nothing for my Christmas spirit. There’s really no moral here, except that sometimes things suck, and if you can’t change that, it’s okay that the sucky stuff makes you mad.
Don’t look at Nat’s placement as the end of your teaching him, his learning will just have a new layer. There is no shame in your game, Susan Senator – you are expanding Nat’s world and that’s what parents are supposed to do. Buck up and do some hip swiveling.
Lisa
Yes! Hip swivels and spangled belts for everyone! No biting! Water bottles only after the dance is done!
Oh, Susan dear, this move into residential placement could be so very GOOD for Nat and for your family. I think you know that Nat needs MORE of the training and structure and therapeutic tasks than you can provide at home. Maybe he’s showing you that in his frustration and acting out.
You are a fantastic mother and all-around amazing woman. (And a lovely dancer with great taste in cossies, too!) You have learned many lessons in your mothering years. Deep down, you know the wisdom of choosing to let Nat move forward.
And congratulations on the sword dance. It’s fantastic!
One of the things I like about reading your blog is that Nat is a teenager and you are still coping so well. It gives me some hope with my 7 year old. I worry about the aggression though that may be in the future as he’s put many holes in the walls already. I worry about safety for my baby, too.
I live in the Seattle area, and we really don’t have much in the way of residential placements–just one or two old fashioned “institutions.” Someday we may have to move back East just to find a place for my son.
Anyway, thank you for your posts and the honesty and insight. I hope things go well.
Thanks–Cathy