Susan Senator

I have been able to untangle some of my sadness. I think that it is impossible for me not to project some of my own imaginings and feelings onto Nat, who does not tell me a whole lot about his state of mind. I have always had to feel and to guess, and also to ask and to listen.

So I think that I am sad about Nat being gone and about not seeing him daily. It is still so new. I am sad because I just plain old miss him. I’m sad that he is going through a transition and probably does not understand a lot of it. I am sad because I had not been hearing from him or about him as much as I needed and wanted to.

So Ned and I figured out a strategy. We need more daily communication. We need email lists of what and how Nat has been doing, both emotionally and regarding his IEP. We need to know that he is getting consistent, thorough care. And he is, but I want the specifics. I may be micromanaging, so sue me.

This morning I emailed the staff with a list of specifics, what I wanted and what I did not want. Ned talked to the House director last night, with much of the same. I talked to Nat’s teacher today and vented for a long time. She let me cry and whine and she listened better than a therapist. She also had a lot of information for me, such as how the Houses work and how to improve communication between Houses and the families. She totally gets Nat, and she is just an incredible human being, God bless her, and thank God she chose this field.

So Natty Darling called me tonight, saying, “Hi who’s this?” which is kind of how he’s learned how to talk on the phone.

“Hi Darling! It’s Mommy!”

Then he gave me a whole list of what he did today, school and House, down to helping make dinner and vacuuming. He just always always does what he can. And I told him that he was coming home for Friday night and starting his favorite social group, the one with the local kids, and on Sunday: Red Sox game with his other social group!

And so, tonight, after taking in all of your thoughts and love, and lying with my head in Ned’s lap, talking to Mom, Dad, and Laura, kissing Max’s hair and helping Ben think of a Halloween costume, and then taking Lisa’s advice and having a lot of chocolate, I am feeling pretty good, my hope and my fat belly safely restored.