Susan Senator

I’m sitting here watching the Debate. I already know who I’m voting for, but I’m trying to encourage the boys to be interested in current events. I had to explain economics to Benj today, and I think he understood more than I did about it!

This is not a politics blog. This is a life blog. So I will let you all make up your own minds and I will hope for the best.

Want to know something really great that happened? Yesterday Benj had an assignment to draw what a 20th – 21st century archeological layer would look like; what kind of artifacts would a person from the future find and learn about our era? So Ben drew a disco ball, for the 1970’s; a game console for the 1990’s; a car; John McCain’s casket (I don’t make these things up); an iPod; and a beaker that read, “Cure for Autism.”

I did not realize that he felt that way. I did not believe, until now, that he even cared about the state of Nat’s disability. I can’t believe that I was so unseeing.

But suddenly I understood so much. I think that Ben’s anger at Nat has actually not been anger at Nat. It’s been anger about Nat. I think he has been sad and angry and disgusted with the fact that his relationship with Nat is so poor. I am NOT “blaming autism,” nor am I putting the blame on Nat, God knows.

Who do I blame? Do I blame God, for allowing a child to be so unprepared for this complicated world? Do I blame the world, for not understanding the beautiful gifts Nat has as the person he is, for seeing him only as limited? Do I blame myself, for not being able to find the approach that would raise his reading level or increase his word count?

There is no one to blame. It just is. It is unfair that Ben feels that he has nothing with Nat. I have tried to show him all the things Nat can do, but what Ben wants is to have a brother he can relate to, not a brother he has to work so hard to understand.

I feel so bad for him. But I am also so glad that he is thinking and feeling about how things could be better for him, for Nat, and people like Nat. I know that people don’t have to be rid of autism to be happy and successful, but Ben doesn’t believe that — yet.

What Ben doesn’t know is that despite his profound feelings of loss, he has already learned so much about people, about limitations, and about what love feels like. Someday he will realize that he has two wonderful brothers, each full of potential, whether that beaker gets filled or not.