Susan Senator

I’m glad that I made the decision to teach Baby Bellydance one more session this year. Just the second graders, not the kindergartners. The last class of the previous session convinced me. I had each of them perform — we called it “Nightclub” — and I was really impressed by their talent. One of them is actually good enough almost to do Open Mic night at the Middle East Club in Cambridge. Were it appropriate. I’m not kidding. She smiled and made eye contact the whole time; she added these little kicks and head flips — I don’t know where she got all that, I don’t think I am even that expressive when I dance.

Then when all the parents came upstairs to get the girls, one of the students said, “Let’s all hold hands and dance in a circle!” Imagine being so innocent and happy that you want to just hold hands and dance in a circle. And so we did. I think it was that moment when I decided I had just to do it again next session. I can’t believe how wonderful those girls are. I know I am their teacher, but I also kind of love them like daughters.

Today at pick-up I ran into one of my friends, who has three little daughters. The two older girls (second grade and kindergarten) have taken my classes often. The middle one is a kindergartner and she is so adorable: dusky skin, long brown hair, mischievous eyes. She looks the way I imagine a girl of mine would look. The little trumbanik climbed up onto the bench and reached up to me, utterly confident in her assumption that I would pick her up. So I did. What a feeling, to hold an enthusiastic little child against me again. The weight, the warmth, the closeness of the sweet face. Then the baby, she’s a preschooler, barely more than a toddler, demanded her turn in my arms, so I put down the one and picked up the other; light and easy, used to being held. On my hip as if it were only yesterday that Ben, or Max, or Nat were there.

I told Ned sometimes I can hardly bear it to be done with having children. I’m not too old, I say. It is his decision for the most part, not mine. This is one area where we sharply disagree. But — I also know that I have grown a whole new life since my children have become such separate individuals. And they just shine on their own, and I stand and watch, captivated, but untethered, like a boat floating in the bright comforting beam of the lighthouse.