Susan Senator

When Max was three, we used to walk to his preschool together. Sometime he would hold my hand, but sometimes he would struggle free if it was the right hand, because he wanted “the brown one.” The brown hand was my left hand, which I did not use as much for cleaning and over-cleaning. The left hand did not have eczema, which I had gotten from poison ivy and then my OCD. Back then I did not know what I was so anxious about, but it had something to do with how different my two sons were. Nat was solitary; Max was what I thought of as “my child for the world.” It seemed that he loved everything. When we were walking to preschool one day, I told him about God, how God is all the good things in people and in the world. He is what makes us happy. To which Max replied, “I like him.”

Now he is wrapping Hannah’s birthday present with such care. He saved up his money (he has a job editing sound files for a company that programs the iPhone; he also babysits for some of Ben’s friends) and bought her a small encaged fresh-water pearl necklace and some special iPod headphones. He (we) baked a chocolate cake of a cute animal (the red panda) that he is going to surprise her with tonight when she comes for dinner.

On Thursday they are baking cupcakes from scratch and decorating them to look like kitten faces, which are to be eaten with around 12 of their friends (here) on Friday night, after he takes her to the zoo and then all the friends go out to see the new Star Trek movie.

I am overwhelmed with pride in him, this son of mine, who has fallen head over heels in love. When we look at them, we can feel how it must be for them, how it once was for us. They don’t think about the future, when it will more likely than not disintegrate from college, distance, other people. They just have each day, bio class together, lunch sometimes, X-block activity (the photography guild that they founded together). They watch Lost, Firefly, How I Met Your Mother, on his bed (door open at all times). The other day Max and Hannah hosted a viewing (for me) of Fight Club. (ICKY but fascinating movie.) Ben wanders in and out playing on Max’s PS3 (also bought mostly with his own money; we try not to spoil them). Nat wanders in and flops down on the giant stuffed puppy we bought Max once for Chanukah (Patrick, from FAO Schwarz). All are welcome in Max’s room, in Max’s world.