Susan Senator

Dinner out at the same restaurant we’ve all been going to for years. Years ago at this very same restaurant, Nat demanded that Max remove his knit hat. But Max was at the age where a boy wants to wear a hat. So he said he didn’t want to. I squirmed, wanting Max to be able to wear a hat if he wanted to, and wanting peace. While I squirmed, Nat reached over and clawed Max, drawing blood. I felt as if I’d been stabbed. I blew it, not acting in time. Not protecting Max in time. Not figuring it out. What was the right action to take?

Okay, full disclosure, it turns out the hat Max was wearing was one that had been given to Nat for Christmas. Max had borrowed it, without a word, and none of us thought Nat would mind. Or maybe even notice. I don’t remember anyone asking permission. So here’s a stupid question. Do you think that Nat minded, and was that the reason he wanted Max to take off the hat? If you ask Ned, no. If you ask me, probably not. Nat does not seem attached to objects like hats. Well — it still wasn’t right for us to let Max just wear the hat. But most likely the thing that upset Nat was that he needs things to be a certain way, rather than the fact that it was his hat.

Either way it upset Nat. But Max had a right to keep his hat on. (But it wasn’t his hat.)

We gave Max the hat as a punishment to Nat. Max wore it for years. That was the last time Nat ever hurt him.  The memory of the whole thing makes me feel sick and terrible.

So then tonight, same restaurant. Nat sat down and watched, wide-eyed, for everyone to take off their coats. Ben was slow in taking it off one shoulder. I watched, wishing he wasn’t so slow, remembering the other time. Nat watched, too. “Don’t worry, Nat,” I said, “Ben’s taking off his coat.”

Ben stopped taking it off and stared through his lanky hair. I actually said in a cringy begging voice, “Ben, come on, please?”

Ben just stared. Nat stared back. Ben said, “I’m cold.”

I looked at Ned, unable to deal with it. Ned said, “Nat. Ben is going to keep on his coat. He is cold. Okay?”

It’s not going to be okay it’s not going to be okay it’s not going to be okay, people are going to stare, and we are going to have to leave. And I was ready to sacrifice Ben’s comfort to assuage Nat. But now Nat’s gotta feel uncomfortable and that sucks, too…

But then Nat said, “Okay,” and then smiled.

I asked Ned about it later and he said, “Well, I think that for it to be okay with Nat, you have to feel certain that it is okay yourself.  If you’re calm and certain, he’s calm and certain.”

Hat’s off to that.