Susan Senator

Emotion lag is a strange thing. I find these days I am aching for Max! My second born, my sweet, mellow boy. He’s been away at college (NYU/Tisch) since September, and he’s been home several times, and yet, I found myself crying twice in the last few days thinking about how far away he is in terms of our relationship. I skyped with him Thursday night, just the two of us, and though I find it hard to think of compelling conversation topics, I found it very easy to just look at his face. His hair’s grown in from the last haircut and it looked dark; he’s hardly blond at all now. His beard is all filled in, but it’s soft and fine, like baby hair. This is exactly how Ned’s beard looked in college.

Max has strong opinions about many things, even though he comes off as a get-along sort of guy. He gets along with everyone, just like Ned, and does not get all bothered about the irritations of the world (unlike me). He has a few causes (Stop SOPA, LGBT rights, and he’s angry about corporations that act dick-ish, like Apple, AT+T, and Microsoft) that he is capable of ranting about.  Even though these are not my number one interests, I’ve learned a lot about them from him. It’s kind of amazing to learn something from your child.

Max has an edge to him now.  He already seems worldly and sophisticated from living in New York — the coolest part of the city, too (the Village). He slid right into it, just like how he slid into preschool. Back then we walked to the little brick building near our house, his little fat hand in mine, and I don’t really know what we talked about then, either. I do remember explaining to him about God, after which Max said, “I like him.”

He was a love bug as a baby, but now he is so stand-alone. He is not needy at all, and I still worry sometimes that he had to learn to be that way because Nat was so needy already. Once or twice I’ve told him that fear, and he just laughs at me. He has always known who he is, even if I have not. And the wonderful thing is, he also knows me so well. I kind of feel like if you were to explain me to him, he’d then say, “I like her.”

I miss him.