Susan Senator

Went to my doctor yesterday
He said I seemed to be okay
He said, Kid, you better look around;
How long you think that you can run that body down?
How many nights you think that you can do what you been doing?
Who, now who we foolin’?
–Paul Simon

Our mothers always told us to be sure to wear clean, nice underpants when we went to the doctor, right? But mine never prepared me for this one…

Saw my doc today about the blasted hip pain. He bent my leg this way and that and pronounced me in need of physical therapy due to musculo-skeletal distress. But he wanted me to get an X-Ray, just in case.

An X-Ray?! Yikes.
In case it’s “early arthritis.” Jeez. Pass the linament.

So I went downstairs to radiology. They checked me in, hospital bracelet and all. The radiology guy told me “Take everything off below the waist and put on a gown.”
Jeez. So I did as I was told. But the whole time I was wondering, “Everything?”

Now you girls know that when we are told by our doctors “everything,” it literally means “everything.”

But apparently this guy did not know that. I asked him, red-faced, if he meant panties, too.
He said, “Oh, that’s okay if they’re on.” Or something like that.
I said, a little too quietly in retrospect, “They’re not.”
Remember, this was for a hip and pelvic X-Ray.

I got up on the table. Everything okay so far, with him moving me to the center of the table. First he just poked my hip, and then he took the X-Rays from above. No problem.
Then he moved my feet apart an inch or two. Getting a little uncomfortable, there… more than a little…
And then he said, “Okay, now I want you to bend your knee. Like a 4.”
“Like this?” I moved my knee carefully upwards, gown in place. Total red flags waving now.
“No, move it way to the side,” he said. Was there a hidden camera from Saturday Night Live in the room? Or Monty Python? Pretty soon John Cleese was going to come in and insist I remove the entire robe and do a dance!
Enough was enough. I slid off the table. “Um, would you just give me a minute to put on my underwear?” I couldn’t even look at him.
“Oh! I thought you said you were wearing them!”
“No, I said I wasn’t.” I started rummaging in my bag for the panties.
He skedaddled.

A moment later, I called, “Okay, ready.” My face was totally red but my voice was light. I could tell this was weird but also funny and that once I got Ned on the phone I would actually laugh. But not yet.

Then he told me I had to put my legs in “The Frog” position. Thank goodness I was prepared. At that moment, any underwear would do. Getting out of there would do.

I must be way too young for arthritis. I’m clearly too young to get an X-Ray right!