Susan Senator

Sitting in the dark theatre
The Pirates on the screen
Boys right and left and behind me
Kiera Knightly falsely venting spleen

I waited for Johnny Depp to thrill me
Or for Orlando to make my lust bloom
But all that happened was a huge calamari
And pirates dropping from the boom

A strange black wench with inky teeth
Spoke gibberish in a swamp
I hoped against hope old Jack would have her
And treat us all to a lusty romp

But she only gave him a sandy bottle
And told him something about a heart
Before I knew it they were sailing full throttle
Fighting Orkish guys who were half men, half carp

When finally Kiera made out with Johnny
I can’t say I was happy with this
Because by then I was so confused and sleepy
And two of my boys needed to take a piss

We don’t even know if the Cracken is dead
Nor do we know for sure if Cap’n Jack made it
We don’t even know why the thing’s called a “Cracken”
But I do know I don’t really give a ****

Two thumbs up — Robert Iger’s ass