Susan Senator

To keep you safe
I am here
You don’t even see me
I disappear
But I follow you
When you go off to school
I see you with others
You bend to their rule
I catch a glimpse
of you with some guys
I wanted to wince
–They made you cry

You’re still young
So I charged in
Mad elephant Mommy
Made their heads spin

But your brothers — well
They’re older, you see
The world where they dwell
Is off limits to me.

I decode a face
Cling to the notebook
Sift through words in space
Search in a secret look —

But how do I know
If you all are okay?
The pain, large and small
You feel during the day
That boy felt pain, too
Who understood him?
The father, the mother?
They all did what they could do
But he still killed the other.
I grieve for them both
The alive and the dead
They make me think of you
They fill me with dread.

This life is so hard
Even without blood or war
Just being you
Without feeling heartsore.

If I could
I would live forever
To keep you safe
To make things good.