Susan's Blog

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Notes From Brookline

I am a sick man…I think my liver is infected.

You’ve all got to understand. Things have been so bad here that I have been nearly nutty. I have been feeling drained, sad, and trapped. I cannot get Nat to relax. Every day there is an outburst that makes no sense. An arm-biting, yelling and screaming episode that can last ten minutes or on and off the whole night. He is so fragile these days, so easily shaken. I cannot stand to see him so messed up and angry, out of control. What is it?

This brings out all kinds of feelings in me: sadness, inadequacy, and imprisonment. I need some escape. There is none. Writing is slow. Friends are on vacation. Ned works long hours. My vacation is weeks away. It is raining. I can’t eat for fun. I have very little time to myself with the boys always, always, always around (Ben is not in camp! He hated it so I took him out. It is miserable keeping him off all the technology).

I want to change my dance name again. I can’t tell why but now Lilia has bad memories tied to it, painful associations. I want to be Natacha, which is who I said I was to everyone on my first day at Penn. Also like Natacha Atlas, my favorite singer.

I want to call my book Making Peace With Imperfection. The former stupid title I had sucked. Piece de merde. Slick and glib. I ain’t. Are We Having Fun Yet??!!!! Makes my teeth shiver, like nails on a blackboard.

This is going to be another book that will probably be ripped out of me like an emergency C-section. I am going to give birth, but it feels like a crisis.

(This is getting too emo, as Max would say, even for me.)

Okay. Enough of this swill. If the space around me is suffocating, I shall have to create a beautiful space where there is none. I have to dance, I guess. Probably in the fuschia.


I’m sorry things are so tough for you right now. I hope you get some you time to refresh your spirit. I’ll be thinking of you.

— added by mumkeepingsane on Thursday, July 19, 2007 at 9:45 pm

I’m sorry. Summer is very hard. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

Hang in there and take care.

— added by Anonymous on Thursday, July 19, 2007 at 10:55 pm

I’m sorry that things are so difficult.

— added by Rachel on Friday, July 20, 2007 at 6:39 am

Oh Susan! My heart breaks for you! I HATE the isolation and subsequent panicky “I-can’t-breathe” feeling that comes with our unpredictable sons and the wobbly parameters of summer. That’s why I get so bedeviled by the Shiraz lately! I wanted to post a comment about your TAB article too — that it was this week’s “Moment Of Zen” for me, lifting me back to the surface from RockBottom (where I’ve taken up residence emotionally). Thank you! Maybe RockBottom won’t be my permanent address!
PS: I love the name Natacha!!!

— added by Anonymous on Friday, July 20, 2007 at 7:56 am

I think that would be very difficult for me also. The anxiety and stress would drain me emotionally, especially if there were a lack of sleep. You need to get out of the house by yourself or with Ned at least once a day. You need to get this balance back. The hardest thing for me would be not knowing what is causing it, and not knowing when it will end, or start up again, and not knowing what else he will do, not knowing the toll it is taking on his brothers. It’s like having to walk through a mine field every day.

— added by MarkZ on Friday, July 20, 2007 at 2:56 pm

It’s been rain, rain, rain, rain, since sometime in May. Sure, it’ll clear up for a day or two or three, but then we end up with more rain.

We got a break earlier this week — sunshine! Blue in the sky!

Wednesday, back to rain. 🙁 The kids are antsy again.

So, I can relate to your summer blahs.

I’m going to spend some time listening to the “cheer me up” short playlist later, after the kids have gone to bed, and I’ll be heading out to pick up HP7 tonight. (My goal is to be back in bed no later than 2AM. Wish me luck!)

— added by Julia on Friday, July 20, 2007 at 7:52 pm

Ah Natacha, I can re;ate to the climbing the walls feeling right now! Markz is right that we need to get out of the house each day without our kids but it is so difficult sometimes, isn’t it. I think that’s the hardest thing — the recognition of need but the inability to fulfill it. Dance, baby, dance and create that beuatiful space. I will envision it so I can reap vicarious benefit!

— added by Niksmom on Saturday, July 21, 2007 at 9:20 am

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