Susan's Blog

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Black Wednesday

Horrible, crying-all-day kind of day.

I missed my glorious bellydance class tonight, for the second week in a row. Black Wednesday descended on me early this morning. I had a feeling, after I came back from making the school newsletter, of big, bright emptiness opening up before me and I could tell I was going to fall in. I did my best to keep my head up, keep going. Try. Be High Functioning. I called a friend, made a coffee date, which I later blew off. I went to the gym. I heard from other friends on email, but I wasn’t my best with them. I ate a good breakfast. But then I ate more, way too much. Nothing felt right. My day was going to be a big, wrenching, unstoppable yawn.

There are some days that are like that. But I always forget that they are just days. To me, they feel like they are now the reality, forever, and then I feel even worse.

I kept thinking, Go to class, it will help. But every time I thought of how we were going to be learning more of that same choreography, for the recital, I felt my energy sink down. I felt I could not face it. I didn’t want to be in the recital. I just can’t seem to be in them. And then I feel even worse.

So I lay down for a while, and thought, You loser. You are napping your life away. And I tried to get up and then I noticed kids all over my yard. Plus a dog. This made me angry. Like I was being walked on, rather than my yard. But then I thought, You are acting like an old lady. It is nice that this neighborhood has come alive. Still, I felt anxious at the tableau before me, realizing that it was spring and I didn’t feel ready. I wasn’t ready for the noise, the warmth, the soft ground, the boys.

I did the token board with Nat, because I thought, Just because I’m having a bad day, why should he go without? So he helped me with the dishwasher, and I think that was my high point.

I cried a bit, wondering why I felt so hopeless in the face of so many nice things. I called Ned. He was coming home early, which was good. But I knew he was coming home early so that I could go to my class, which I was not going to.

Is it okay that I don’t want to share my lawn sometimes? Or work towards a recital? Is it okay if I ate ice cream for lunch to feel better? Is it okay that Ned came home early for no reason? Is it okay that I take my loved ones on emotional roller coaster rides?


it is ok. and maybe you need a day or two to get away-anywhere-on your own-to get ready for spring.

— added by Anonymous on Wednesday, March 26, 2008 at 10:11 pm

Compassion, with yourself first so you can then be compassionate to others. All will be OK, the sun always returns. We all have those times. For me, it is then that I am grateful for the form of my life, job, responsibilities, to keep me moving so I don’t fall in. And another medicine I have found for those times is to reach out to someone in need and “get out of myself” for awhile, a great perspective builder. Deep breaths…today you’ll see a crocus near-bloom.
Em’s Mom

— added by Anonymous on Thursday, March 27, 2008 at 5:16 am

Everybody has these days, and Em’s mom is right, be compassionate with yourself. You bolster everyone around you and through your blog. Chill sister, and the sun will come out.

Maybe a long-distance birth announcement will cheer you. My good friend Jen delivered her second baby boy last night! Six pounds, 10 ounces, 19 inches, but no name yet, because his 2 yr old brother made off with the list. Classic.


— added by Anonymous on Thursday, March 27, 2008 at 10:46 am

Susan! I had that kind of day yesterday too! I was on the phone with a good friend with whom I hadn’t spoken in about 6 months, and all I did was complain about how various people were mistreating me… and, I thought, why can’t I be as specific with the positive stuff as I am with the really negative stuff? I tried to focus on good things, but just failed to do so, completely. Sometimes, when spring suddenly emerges from winter murk and the sun actually warms my face again, I feel I just can’t rise to the occasion and bask in that radiance. Spring fills me with insouciant, vague longings and melancholy — at least, at first. Do you feel that way too? Just think — April starts next week, spring will become more established, we’ll both feel better! Dance just for yourself in the dazzling rays of the late-setting sun, and to heck with them recitals! – TPeacock

— added by Anonymous on Thursday, March 27, 2008 at 11:10 am

Hey Susan. Unless you’ve commited a real crime, never feel guilty about feelings. This winter has been the longest one I can remember…endless it seems. Everyone I know is cranky and sick of the cold. Think of Spring as a rebirth of not only the weather, but yourself. Take it easy, your human…not perfect.

— added by Candy on Friday, March 28, 2008 at 1:45 pm