Susan's Blog

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Path Not Yet Taken

I don’t know if it’s the terrible tragedy that occurred here, that I wrote about in my last post, or if it is Nat’s imminent move-out, but I feel like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I could not exercise, I could barely meet my good friend for a walk. It is a painfully beautiful day, but I spent about an hour crying. I was thinking about Nat. I am sorry to be so emo about it, but it is just huge to me. This is not about my having doubts. This is about the separation, pure and simple.

It has been a year of looking at little babies and swooning with motherlust. A year of joyful teaching of little girls and getting to know them, pouts and all. A year of watching my Max become a man, full of healthy skepticism, rebelliousness, and contempt for us, his parents. At the same time, he is still my Little, Little, with wide blue eyes and an all-knowing smile.

And I have experienced Benji becoming a more empathic, sweet and thoughtful person. He actually said to me today, “I am happy today.”

So even though I was burdened by my own depression, I could smile in sweet relief at those words, and at all the things going on in my life. I look at Natty, my Natty, my firstborn, and I want him back. I want those days when he was a baby, and I want to enjoy them this time. I want, I want, I want. But I can’t have. I have to work on pushing him out of the nest, I who once dreamt of constructing a nest of iron and ten-foot walls, with nothing but the softest pillows inside…

Okay, okay, I’m letting my ultra-sticky morose meanderings drip all over you all. Please forgive. This is how it’s going to be for awhile, while I step around yet another Big Thing in the path.


Here’s hoping for warmer weather (can we say 70’s at least?), beautiful garden and sunny children. Hang in there.

— added by Anonymous on Wednesday, May 14, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Hi Susan,
what you’re going through is perfectly natural after seeing the same face day in and day out for so many years.This type of seperation definately takes time to get used to and is one of the hardest to endure, but the fond memories gradually bring inner peace and comfort.

— added by Anonymous on Wednesday, May 14, 2008 at 6:09 pm

My mom told me that she cried the entire drive back to Chicago from dropping me off at college on the East Coast. (Yikes.)

Since I have a 3-month old, I see A LOT of baby lust. Everyday. It is really pretty amazing. (Yesterday, someone even started crying as she told me how she missed nursing her babies.) I have a new theory, and it’s that women are genetically programmed to want to care for an infant — it’s guaranteed the survival of the species. I hear every day how “lucky” I am. It’s one of those “the grass is always greener” things. I am envious of those who sleep through the night! It’s all just a different stage in the journey, ya’ know?

Take care. — Cathy in CT

— added by Anonymous on Thursday, May 15, 2008 at 10:04 am

Susan, don’t apologize for feeling so deeply. You express it in a way that others can empathize and learn from you. I will be there in less than five years and I know the time will go by all too fast. Thank you for writing about how you feel.

— added by Tanya Savko on Thursday, May 15, 2008 at 3:30 pm

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