Susan Senator

First day. Ned took off from work, Ben was at camp, Max was with Hannah, so Ned and I took the T into Boston and had a leisurely lunch at an outdoor cafe in Beacon Hill. Very nice, but a feeling like I was watching myself through glass, or something. Ned kept snapping pictures of me, over and over, while we talked. It was odd, but kind of sweet. I felt like he was trying to make me laugh, by embarrassing me. He was literally keeping me focused on myself, and on him. I had some wine, and felt very drowsy. He was tired, too. We walked through the Public Gardens and watched the swan boats, bought ice creams and sat on a bench, holding hands. We kept checking in with one another: How you doing? Okay, I guess. The anticipation was harder than the actuality…

Got home, we both slept, woke up, ate a lot of cake, and I slept some more. Then, with the sun beginning to sink just a little, and the air loosening up its tight hot grip, I felt like I could maybe run. So I took a 3 mile run. I could barely breathe. My whole upper body felt bloated from the cake and stiff as a 90-year-old. I ran in shuffling steps, choking out the first two miles. Then, suddenly, the third mile was a breeze. Sweet Melissa came on the shuffle: Crossroads, seem to come and go… and I felt tears rise up, but still at that same remove, that through-the-glass feeling, which kind of shut the tears out. It’s like, I thought about crying, and I just felt that I could not do it just then.

Then, I ate a dinner that Max and Hannah made (!) Did they decide to do that because of today? Because of Nat being gone, as a way of being supportive? I kind of think so. I am just incredibly moved by their sweet relationship, how much they get each other to grow. Hannah seems to be teaching Max all about health and cooking. They are so in love, and everyone in their orbit feels it and falls in love with them.

I took a shower after dinner. Then I heard from the House and Nat. He sounded very small, far away, tired. He seemed to want to stay on the phone with me, because he didn’t just say, “How are you, good. Yes. Bye.” So I even called him back. We, of course, did not know what to say to one another, so I just blabbed a little and told him I was kissing him into the phone. Then, at last, he just said, “Bye,” and hung up. So I guess he had had his fill.

Sleep well, my darling.