Susan's Blog

Friday, July 11, 2008


Here is more of the same thing. I am in so much pain about Nat going. I am probably going to run away today, to someplace where I can be soothed.

This is of similar magnitude to the days when he was diagnosed, or perhaps, to the days before he was diagnosed, when there was something I dreaded but couldn’t name, that lay in wait for me. Anticipating his move-out is the same dread, a dread that feels like waiting to vomit.

But this time, it is not about finding out that “something’s wrong” with my child. It turns out nothing’s wrong with my child. I have a name for the challenges he and we face, I have an understanding, somewhat, about how to mitigate them. But as for Nat himself, this is so much about how much I love him, and how much I don’t want him to go. How I can’t imagine living day-to-day without him. Yes, yes, he is going to be “fine;” I do not take that for granted, that is wonderful. Yes, he is going to learn so much and make friends with the guys in his house and have so many more activities than he has here. That is all good. I am lucky. He is lucky. It is a lovely place with lovely people.

But this isn’t about luck, not this bit right now. This is about my pain, a mother’s pain, pure and simple and mixed and complex. I love that guy, even if he rarely speaks to me, even if he has outbursts I can’t understand, even if he makes our lives miserable at times: what kid doesn’t??!! I just love him, and I love his sweet presence, his way of commenting with sing-song talking (I am no longer going to call it “Silly Talk,” that suddenly seems so insulting!). Today I told him I was calling in a prescription to refill some pills and he said/sang, right away, “Huh-pills, hills, huh-peels.” He listens to everything, and if you listen to him, you can detect this.

There is nothing that will take away my pain right now. So many of you have been just so amazingly kind and lovely. So many of you are strangers, yet you offer me these fantastic cyberhugs and love. I am warmed by that, and it helps.

But I have to go through this, like the build-up to childbirth — where the pains get worse and worse until they are just about unbearable. Where there is pain that rips through you, and literally rips you open, blood and screams, so that something utterly important and necessary can happen — this is how I will get to the other side.


I can sense your pain as you wrote this,and hope that this will ease in time for you.This type of seperation,after such a long time together,is always the hardest thing in life to endure.I know your inner strength,your writing,and your dancing will help see you through it.

— added by Anonymous on Friday, July 11, 2008 at 9:25 am

Susan, you’re right, I guess you are just going to have to feel it, to work through this your own way. My natural inclination finds me longing to find a way to “fix” it for you, do something, anything, to help alleviate all of your emotional pain. Reading this is akin to watching surgeries on TV; you keep watching (and reading) even though you know there is an incredible amount of pain involved for the recipient. And, being helpless to do anything about it.

— added by Sharon L. on Friday, July 11, 2008 at 9:54 am

I can’t image I would be thinking about anything else right now either if I were you. I can’t tell you how meaningful it is to others that you are sharing this with us. I am one of those cyper strangers who really really appreciates it.

— added by Anonymous on Friday, July 11, 2008 at 10:08 am

This is the life stuff you cannot avoid. I’ll be here and you know where to find me.

— added by Someone Said on Friday, July 11, 2008 at 11:14 am

You do have to work this out on your own, but in the meantime, I prescribe motivational music, dancing and a little chocolate, followed by wine at the appropriate cocktail hour. Toast yourself and your family for doing a great job. This pain will ebb, and eventually be replaced with joy – joy at learning that your son can conquer more than you realized. Lisa

— added by Anonymous on Friday, July 11, 2008 at 11:19 am

I appreciate the fact that you share your difficult times on your blog. Sometimes this is all just plain painful, and there’s no way to avoid it.

— added by Mom to JBG on Monday, July 14, 2008 at 5:14 pm