Susan Senator

I got all sad all over again because Nat is just so confused. He keeps saying, “See Mommy today.” Stuff like that. I dropped him off at the House and I was just crying and crying, already missing his velvety face and haystack hair.

The House people tell me that he does great, participates happily in everything they do — soccer game, semi-pro baseball game, food shopping, serving dinner; they even went to the ICA the other night, and he smiled the whole time — but still he keeps repeating the order of the days as if he is trying to make the answer change. Maybe it’s perseveration, and something I can redirect? I tried that today on the phone with him and it seemed to make him stop and think.

But how do I know for sure?

I won’t know for sure. I’m getting used to that. It is now a dull ache, rather than a flu-like sick feeling. But still, there is a very tall thin hole in my family’s heart right now. He was home Friday night so that he could go to a friend’s birthday party, and he was quiet and contemplative the whole time. It made me kind of sad, because it just doesn’t seem like Nat. And then, finally, I heard just one, “Heeyume.” I looked up, and he was smiling. Just a little dab of silly talk goes a long way.