Susan's Blog

Monday, May 11, 2009

Sick of Words

When you’re feeling bad nobody really wants to know. I think that “How are you?” is kind of meaningless, it’s just stuff we say. I think Nat knows that, on some some level. Maybe to him it seems like there’s so much stuff you’re just supposed to say, and none of it gets to anything real.

So what is real for him? If it’s just what’s in front of his nose, then how does he deal with complex feelings? Does he feel them and not understand them?

Maybe that’s the way you’re supposed to be. That’s what I was told, long ago: “Just feel your feelings.” Right now that’s what I’m doing and it feels putrid. I’ve been carrying Nat-guilt around ever since I dropped him off yesterday. Guilt and grief.

I hate the way his brothers have to be told to say goodbye. I hate the way he has to be told to say Happy Mother’s Day. For all of them, it’s just a lot of words.

Meanwhile I’m sick of words and I’m sick of feelings. And I want someone else to be in charge for a change.


“How are you?” is meaningless. The answer is “fine” not “insert how you’re actually feeling here”.

“Meanwhile I’m sick of words and I’m sick of feelings. And I want someone else to be in charge for a change.” I’m sorry you’re feeling this way right now. I’ve been there. I hope you get a chance to recharge your emotional batteries in the very near future. Take care of you.

— added by mumkeepingsane on Monday, May 11, 2009 at 4:33 pm

forget words- dance my friend and think of how nate smiles as he watches. hoping tomorrow is lighter.

— added by Anonymous on Tuesday, May 12, 2009 at 12:14 am

Oh Sue. I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I recognize the feelings you’re expressing as I feel them/have felt them. Did you ever watch the HBO series “Six Feet Under”? In the final episode, the mom (Ruth) tells Brenda, whose worrying about her own child, that “being a mom is the loneliest job in the world.” Anyway, when the feeling you’re describing comes over me, I think back to Ruth’s line and I’m reminded that even though I feel so lonely at times, I’m not really alone as all mothers everywhere are feeling the same thing. We’re alone together. Hang in there. This too shall pass. And lots of hugs coming your way in the meantime. xo.

— added by stacey on Tuesday, May 12, 2009 at 1:24 am