Susan Senator

You’re with me now
And as long as you stay
Loving you’s the right thing to do.
–Carly Simon

First, Nat left and I was so unsure if it was the right thing to do. Everyone told me it was the right thing to do. Eventually I accepted that it was the right thing to do. Most of the time.

Now, Max is going to leave and I know it is the right thing to do. Everyone tells me it is the right thing to do.

But I am f’ing freaking out. Today he and I had had a discussion where he told me that NYU was his top choice. His top choice? When did this happen? How could we help make it happen? I got into a frenzy of organization and strategy. Interviews? Visit again? Early Decision? WTF? College? Leaving?

So while I was loading my car with groceries, I nearly burst into tears. They’re with me right now. Max is leaving soon. And I find myself thinking, “I didn’t have enough of him. I didn’t, I didn’t, I don’t know — something.”

Nat flashes into my head. Something familiar about that. Not enough. I had felt the same thing about him. I didn’t have enough of him. I never got to — what? What is it I wanted to do, what more did I need? Connection? I got it, in bits. Growth? Maturity into a lovely young man?
Yes!
And Max? Connection? I had it in spades when he was little. I get it now, but it is — dignified, rationed. And oh, how he has grown, and matured into such a wonder. A young man with such a good heart, such good judgment.

So what more do I want? It is not something I can articulate. The tears talk.

Is this what it is with our children? We live in a blur of activity, of planning, or worrying. We play with them, smile at them, laugh, cry, wring our hands. But we don’t have enough. All we have is our love, and that is everything, but it is not what we think.