Susan's Blog

Monday, November 9, 2009

Loving You’s The Right Thing To Do

You’re with me now
And as long as you stay
Loving you’s the right thing to do.
–Carly Simon

First, Nat left and I was so unsure if it was the right thing to do. Everyone told me it was the right thing to do. Eventually I accepted that it was the right thing to do. Most of the time.

Now, Max is going to leave and I know it is the right thing to do. Everyone tells me it is the right thing to do.

But I am f’ing freaking out. Today he and I had had a discussion where he told me that NYU was his top choice. His top choice? When did this happen? How could we help make it happen? I got into a frenzy of organization and strategy. Interviews? Visit again? Early Decision? WTF? College? Leaving?

So while I was loading my car with groceries, I nearly burst into tears. They’re with me right now. Max is leaving soon. And I find myself thinking, “I didn’t have enough of him. I didn’t, I didn’t, I don’t know — something.”

Nat flashes into my head. Something familiar about that. Not enough. I had felt the same thing about him. I didn’t have enough of him. I never got to — what? What is it I wanted to do, what more did I need? Connection? I got it, in bits. Growth? Maturity into a lovely young man?
And Max? Connection? I had it in spades when he was little. I get it now, but it is — dignified, rationed. And oh, how he has grown, and matured into such a wonder. A young man with such a good heart, such good judgment.

So what more do I want? It is not something I can articulate. The tears talk.

Is this what it is with our children? We live in a blur of activity, of planning, or worrying. We play with them, smile at them, laugh, cry, wring our hands. But we don’t have enough. All we have is our love, and that is everything, but it is not what we think.


A beautifully heartbreaking post, Susan ….

— added by Melissa (Betty and Boo's Mommy) on Monday, November 9, 2009 at 7:27 pm

I think NYU would be a wonderful choice…how exciting! Although my son Eric didn't graduate from there, his entire group of friends in NYC did, including his GF, and they are a fabulous group of young adults all doing fabulously!!!:)They have a really cool and active anime club there too…that could be a selling point!!!

— added by eileen on Monday, November 9, 2009 at 9:13 pm

Maybe this is just what motherhood is like? I have the same feeling a lot of the time (although my "not enough" feeling is in response to the idea of them starting full-day elementary school).
NYU does sound really exciting! Visiting him would be a blast.

But I definitely commiserate on the not-enough syndrome.

— added by Mom to JBG on Wednesday, November 11, 2009 at 12:21 pm

He's only three months old but I know exactly what you mean.

— added by Shannon Brooke Davis on Wednesday, November 11, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Where on earth does the time go? I wish time would slow down just a bit–I am really enjoying both of them right now. I start freaking out thinking I only have eight more years before oldest is in Max's position…and I will be writing this very post. Hugs to you!

— added by Amy on Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 10:43 pm